Happy Housewife

Shutting Shop

2008-11-26T06:04:00.000-08:00

OK, enough.

This is the last post.

I love you all. Well, almost all (in a decent and straight sort of way).

Keep the faith.

Do not try to mimic and run after the west too much. Girls- remember the last time you ran after a boy? You lost your dignity, his respect and probably some cafe-money also.

Take all the good things; leave the fat. Life is like a buffet and you are on a healthy diet. A secret: I'm actually nice, especially after you have praised my drafting session-cufflinks.

Internet-Aunty Update (Suspicious)

2008-11-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

I was fetching Mummy a glass of water and I saw her quickly minimize the matrimonial website window and the Hotmail chat window. I got suspicious when I noticed that Mummy had tried to delete a folder titled "Mrs. RamchandranFV".

This folder had a picture of a mature lady in a kanjeevaram sari and pearls. As suspected, it was Internet-Aunty. The pearls looked real; the smile was not. And her daughter who she used as marriage-bait to get close to Mummy? Irrelevant and potentially male.

The folder also contained poems from Internet-Aunty. I caught Mummy reciting them again today.

Poems For Five-Year Olds

Obedience

They say
I am too young
To play outside
And so I play
Behind my chair
Can anyone
Find me there?

Rules

The milk cup is too hot
For me to touch
Too hot is too much
The ice cube is too cold
For me to touch
Too cold is too much

Assertiveness against Bullies

This is my train
Give it back!
I shared it for
Only for play
Give it back to me now!
You cannot
Take my toys away

Soul

Blue is a colour
Skies are blue
And some flowers too
My desk is blue
Are you blue too?

Play

I fly
Past thunder’s noisy house
I fly
Past wind’s wild bounce
I fly
Past lightning’s pounce

I fly
To Cloud
In the sky so free
Sometime I play with Cloud
Sometimes Cloud plays with me.

Analysis

The rain is wet
With water
Look-
Outside the window pane!
Look!
The pond
Is wet with rain.

Study

I want to know
Why the rainbow bends
I want to sell
Hot cakes and bells
I want to sail
On the back of a whale
In oceans deep and blue
But first of all
I want to spell
“Hippopotamus”-
Can you?

Acceptance

Stars shine
This one is mine
But during the day
It goes away.

Internet-Aunty

2008-11-23T22:49:00.000-08:00

Mummy is here and the Internet is her best friend. But I know that when she is online, she is mostly managing my marriage-proposals. She has named my matrimonial profile: "HiSalaryLawyerBoy_LikesHomeFoodFV".

The "FV" she says is accepted code for "family values". Since the offer is global, FV keeps the offer in the safe harbour, in a Reg 144A kind of way.

Separately, some Shaadi.com-boy's profile read "BV" but that was just to showcase how he worked at Netherlands since it was marketed to girls who wanted to live Abroad, see snow and other white things.

So this Sunday while the November oranges scented the Delhi apartment with a winter-smell, Mummy was again floating on Shaadi.com. She was humming an old song about being scared of black crows, lies, a sword and another woman.

A writer-girl's mother had applied to Mummy. It had all the correct key words: family values, caring, fair, job.

In an unusual suggestion, Internet-Aunty's application included some children's poetry with art.

Relevant extracts:

Artwork: cats

Three kittens- now

Add one more

Now we have four!

Artwork: twin suns

The sun they say is hot-hot-hot

They say hot is what cold is not.

Cold is cold as ice- but

What is wrong and what is right?

The sun is cold at night.

Artwork: A distant hill; two happy children

We're going out to play

The hill is far away

Pack songs and skips!

Pack toast and chips!

And on the hill we'll play.

On reading the fine print of the accompanying materials of this Shaadi.com application (I'm all about the fine-print thanks to prospectuses) I discovered that the author of the poems and art was the girl's mother. That was strange. Almost as if this Internet-Aunty was proposing to Mummy in the guise of a Shaadi.com daughter. As persuasive evidence, even the enclosed picture was of a mature lady wearing a "south-kee-sari" with pearls and an odd smile.

I wanted to ask Mummy why she was writing back attaching her photos also and a few Tarla Dalal recipes. But I could not formulate a cohesive sentence to address the issue. So I let it pass and focussed on the parathas.

A Mandate Song

2008-11-19T20:49:00.001-08:00

The last few.

Brijesh and I met again. This time in a a PPP context: it was a purely professional partnership. As if the rakhi-like gizmo had never been exchanged; as if all the drafting sessions we had shared together in the Bull Years were forgotten.

I was discussing mandate fees with him over nervous bad-economy jokes and client-coffee.

"It's a very small issue" Brijesh said looking away, a stranger.

But I carried on the show like Raj Kapoor in the circus-scene. "Come on Bridge-yaar," I said breezily. In a "it's still 2007 for us" style.

I mentioned:

1. You-know how issue size was irrelevant to fees; and
2. You-know how fees are mostly a function of complexities in the deal and the volume of diligence as well.

I even offered him a client-cookie. No response.

And then: Bridge, boss, everyone-knows we are really busy. Even Slapping Girl-Associate is dying of work. This was my trump card. Brijesh would never admit he didn't know what everyone knew.

This worked. He replied," Theek hai yaar, koi-nahin, anyway Client has to pay. What do we care if Client is ready? We will go tell Client you guys are a big firm with Relevant Expertise, these are market rates only and boss, cheaper firms will bungle-up and you won't even get to know and basically Issue won't happen in Timeline."

Saying this, Brijesh walked up, opened the window and gazed at at a random point in the sky (like an almost-divorcee would in a Shabana Azmi movie). He then said in a soft-deep voice: " I'll try to always be in the data room ok? And remember, you are underwriters' counsel. My- our- counsel. I will be in data room only- so many ATS, JDA, MoU and what not. " Then he corrected himself with a rough line, "The buggers have everything short of sale deeds. Even the cost of paper of all those agreements is more than value of their land reserves. "

"Great..." [polite exit] "Thanks SO much for working out the mandate, yaar."

Then the oddest moment was born. A song surfaced from the window. Somehow, there was an husky swirl in the song.

I did not dare to turn back; I had a string of imaginary conference calls to garland my confidence; I had this new bankers' counsel mandate to draft.

The voice grew more and more high-pitched:

"Par yeh samajh lo hamne
Jab
Bhi
Pukara
Tumko
Aana pare ga..."

I shut the door behind me and closed my eyes to meditate for a second. But all I could see was a cardboard moon pinned to a terrace.

Dasvidaniya

2008-11-16T21:05:00.001-08:00

Broad rule: avoid capitalizing undefined terms.

That is, unless you are writing an Arundhati Roy-style novel. The capitalization in Arundhati Roy's writing is curiously similar to that of Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne (my favourite series other than Ramaiya ofcourse). The extract in relevant part:

"Did you make that song up?'
`Well, I sort of made it up,' said Pooh. `It isn't Brain,' he went on humbly, `because You Know Why, Rabbit; but it comes to me sometimes.'

Bye. This blog will not last for long.

Which reminds me of the point of this post- watch Dasvidaniya. It's startlingly brilliant in a simple way ( a little like me when wearing cuff-links).

Dasvidania does not cater specifically to an audience which has opted out of the reality of its environment. The kind which finds James Bond cool but Rajnikant hilarious.

The film-makers have however hedged the risk of alienating this wannabe-section: they have named the movie "Dasvidania". The name is easy to take because it is not a Hindi word. Its source is a country with snow, sledges, pink pigs, Caucasians and all. A country which finds us exotic.

And so we need not be like a shy-bride taking the name of a male in-law.

Isn't that why many of us contract names of friends, films (DDLJ, K3G, KANK) and even firms? So sad, so bad, and you know what? The joke's on us. x billion people in China and in the US midwest and in the lanes of south Spain do not care about our self-esteem issues.

Also, this film (it's too fine to be called a "flick") stays away from the "Indian family values" niche. Which as the market now agrees is better handled by Balaji and is anyway "oh-so-TV".
Bye.

Oh, One Good Thing. Luckily it's winter so I can walk around not fearing a tan. Otherwise it's tough for dudes like me. I (secretly) like how Calcuttans do it- just carry an umbrella to beat the sun. Too unfashionable? Think again- the British did it with parasols and palkis. Like it now?

Bonds

2008-11-14T00:06:00.000-08:00

The James Bond movie. A bad imitation of a 80s Dharmendra movie, revenge and all. Maybe the line about sons-of-dogs will be find its way in the next version. Maybe as puppy-blood, shaken not stirred.

Ok I know this is borderline unfunny but really, I'm tired.

[John Uncle/PETA- I have nothing against puppies. I'm pro-puppy.]

Low-Self Esteem Alert: If the James Bond movie was not prime Hollywood, we'd be laughing awkwardly between the scenes. (Forget holding hands, I rarely go with girls and with guys I always wear long-sleeved shirts to prevent oddness in case of an elbow clash). We'd be sharing U-tube links. Spoofing. Some of us would not even admit we watched it.

So yeah unless the next one has a James Bond who's either gay or Shah Rukh (note the "or") - I'm not watching.

Bye.

2008-11-12T20:29:00.001-08:00

Remember BBC?

Sunil Shetty Girls

2008-11-09T01:32:00.001-08:00

Some girls are Sunil Shetty with an Unnatural Accent Girls. These are girls who are like Sunil Shetty i.e. v confident of their super-coolness and with carefully cultivated bodies.

Now add a false accent to Sunil Shetty.

Signs you are a Sunny Shetty (with an Unnatural Accent) Girl
1. You are a big city girl. If are from north india, you may have small town roots which involve women who clap and sing sad songs at girls' weddings. But these roots are never mentioned. If you are from south india and have a north fetish, you have associated yourself with a northern city you have some domicilary ties to.

2. You skin fairness cream is hidden. Even behind the namkeen packets.

3. You have at some point dipped your hair in a pot of golden/bronze dye. The colour of terrace-monkey fur.

4. You think you lighten up atmosphere with your presence. The truth is people want to be nice to dangerous and insecure women like you.

5. You have an accent which makes one wonder where you are from. It's a Bond Girl accent. Just like we can never point out a region a Bond Girl belongs to. Just before you started sporting the accent you have either 1 . never hung out in the West; 2. have for no more than a year or 2.

6. You pretend you do not diet. You smoke to stay slim. You know you cannot change your face but you can change your body.

7. You invest in expensive inner wear. No make-up. No books though you often wear one in your hand like a bracelet.

8. You pretend to find mainstream Indian culture "interesting" in an exotic sort of way. As if you are a white mid20s woman. Except when noone's watching you tune to whichever channel is showing Karishma Kapoor of the 90s. You also identify more with the politics of a country which would boot you out of its pooling booth. And you feel you "have arrived" if among white friends, the kinds who actually mention you to their families and inner circle as the "upmarket Indian friend I told you about". If outside India, you feel odd when you get into a taxi with an Indian driver since you are running away from the connect.

9. You spend a lot of time in deciding which spectacles to wear.

10. You walk with a twist. You flip your hands when you talk and when you laugh. Like a gay man. Sorry, like stereotyped gay man, pink shirt and all.

11. You hate this list but you smile in a let's-laugh-at-this way.

Bye. I don't dislike you. But since you only live once (you find rebirth funny, right? so.) get in touch with your real self. It's not too bad. And don't worry, I will never name or discuss you. I rarely even think of you but I did today and so I wrote this. In fact, I rarely even think.

I know there're a lot of imperfections in your real world- women are stared at. So are some men like me. But pretending we are all blond American women who find Jonny Lever like an oddity of another race? That's living a lie. Noone believes your lie.

And remember, you're not probably white enough for Jonny Depp anyway. So accept the imperfections; renounce the denial; and play DDLJ one more time. Only this time also when others are around. I know you like Shah Rukh almost as much as I do. It will be nice knowing you.

They Can

2008-11-06T03:08:00.000-08:00

Now say this stressing on the highlighted words. It's just a SEBI guidance note but stressing on these words it may just help you win an election.

We believe, once the shares are converted into dematerialised form, they lose their identity
as to distinctive numbers and hence it will be difficult to differentiate among the existing
shareholding of the Promoter group...

Obama will end racism in US just like Indira Gandhi ended dowry deaths in India.

Bye. Don't be fascinated. That's the moral of this post.

Think. You can.

A Shop Called Posto

2008-11-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

Why do girls spend so much on clothes? If they are pretty they don't need to spend so much. If they are not pretty, then they should invest in cooking classes. Especially chaat-pakauri.

In any case, they say women shop so they are opted in by other women. But I feel that' s like paying for popularity. Also it's a bell curve. If you are good beyond a point, then you get bitched about. I mean, how many girl-friends does Aishwariya have? Or even Jennifer Aniston (if theories appeal to you more if there are 2-3 white faces). Women should face the fact that there will always be critics. Some say Aishwariya is too plastic. Now if a face like that can be criticized then how much hope can a snake-skin purse buy you? Likewise, some say Jendidi is just good hair. Some say Kareena is too thin. At the cost of repitition, if these type of women are not spared, do you think you will be?

You can consider this insulting to women, this post. Or you can call it a wake-up call. Find your value elsewhere. Else you will be like a girl-associate in the team who bought a pair of leather shoes at Khan Market at a price close to monthly salary mostly coz the salesman "looked Italian and hated Pizza Hut" and the shop was called Posto. Later Slapping Girl Associate told her that the shopkeeper was a hire from a youth hostel (just a tourist saving up for drugs) and as for Posto, the shop belonged to a Bengali man and posto was his grandmother's favourite Bengali sweet-dish.

Bye. Write me mails at bshareen@gmail.com if you wish. It is better than leaving comments on this blog, like a passing Road Side Romeo.

Remember for all pre-marriage mails are read by Manju Aunty. All mails of praise or disguised praise by young straight women are deemed to be pre-marriage mails.

Brijesh Update

2008-11-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

Brijesh has been sending me blank text-messages. Whenever I call back, he's like, No, dude. I didn't call you or sms you or anything. Just relax, the sensex just went lower. I'm not going to hound you about the next draft any time soon.

This happened four times. After that I stopped calling back. I just reply with a blank SMS.
He responds with another blank SMS.

I don't know where this is going. The silk rakhi he gave me is creating more confusion. And Mummy has started sending more and more profiles of girls on Shaadi.com. I recognize 1-2 of them; think I saw them flirting at drafting sessions.

Brijesh-Banker

2008-10-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Bhaidoojh and something odd happened. I knew it was coming for some time but anyway.

I was in Bombay and had gone to the office of this Brijesh-banker to make a presentation (which is a way of saying don't forget us just because there's no closing anytime soon) and when everyone had left the room on some pretext or another, Brijesh shut the door. And started talking very casually of a recent amendment about composition of Board of directors. I suddenly knew where he was going and put a plate of biscuits between us which I kept rotating to show I didn't care much about the outcome of the conversation.

Anyway, so from Brijesh's talk went to the amended understanding of "related to promoters" in the listing agreement [more entities deemed to be related]; from there a brief deviation to related parties transactions and AS-18; and back to what I scented was the story- "relatives".
I was swirling the biscuit plate at a turbine rate and it almost generated electricity. No yaar-yaar, no back-pat, no tease like the old times.

I knew it was all over when I saw a silk thread hanging limp from the laptop bag of Brijesh. "Mil gaya" Brijesh said slipping out the rakhi.

Not that he tied it but he sorted of handed it over to me in a check-this-out way, like it was a gizmo or something. "Technically this is a Rakhi thing but whatever dude" he said good-naturedly in a way Shah Rukh may say with the nervous laugh at the end.
So I slipped it in my pocket and was like- "Now we will watch out for each other, Bridge. This is a pact, man. Remember that when you circulate the next last-minute deadline without consulting me!"

I hoped this made things easier and less odd and even grabbed a biscuit casually (which I didn't eat entirely due to the diet regime, just pretended to drop it soon with an oh-f).

And we walked out of the room quickly reading old messages on our phones.

A Difficult Situation

2008-10-27T00:47:00.001-07:00

Just 1 minute before mailing a draft , my control-find stopped. I did not have an option to delay the draft by even a minute because a banker had called me stating that the client really needed to see a few emails etc so I should mail "whatever there is done so far like in 20 min max ASAP". Plus intern-boy I discovered had not accepted ANY of my review comments. That is what happens when you smile at an intern so much and discuss intimate details such as razors for legs, your first X-Box and how you cried when you lost the yellow plastic bat 20 years ago and could not play bat-ball with the servant's son for a week.

So employee reservation and all was showing in the draft and this looks as bad as the strap of a vest and brahmin thread showing over an expensive shirt in a drafting session.

So I sucked a deep breath. Said OK-fine to the banker. I even added a smiley since this banker Brijesh, he had not teased me for a long time with that Delhi "yaar"-"hero" style.

And so the draft was mailed to all with the armour of a long cover letter using the sly phrase "working draft"*. I even added- and this is a tip I picked up from an ILC- a line to the effect that if parties wished they were free to comment on the draft though it was in an initial stage and we would circulate a draft by thursday for comments.

Noone with much self-respect could then comment on the draft with these masterstrokes in the cover letter.

This is how I met a deadline where I had 20 minutes notice and the Control Find was not working.

Frankly, I can't believe you are actually reading this.

I'm hedging my bets about how I will turn out- a housewife or a lawyer (yeah guys I know I'm a dude and all so the housewife bit is just metaphor. It will also help me if I decide to apply for the Cheveing, mixed up identities and all). http://www.smughousewife.blogspot.com/ This is my other forum to be read, entertain and in a subversive way, make a few subtle points while indulging in what keeps me going: writing. I think my writing is original and to prove this, I invite your attention to my Issue Procedure sections.

Bye. Go bitch about someone.

*Noone can seriously comment on a working draft unless one is admittedly vain and just likes the strokes of one's pen being admired by scattered bankers in Nariman Point, lawyers and a company secretary in Bilaspur.

Room Mate

2008-10-13T00:54:00.001-07:00

Some guy from my college days is staying with me for a few days. Then he will move into an Alaknanda house, one of those girly-sounding Gangotri-Yamuna yellow buildings.
I would not mind except that he is over-smart. Like when I am watching Big Boss and and it ends and I am too-chilled in that bean bag to, like, change the channel, he's like: Dude, admit it. You only watch Big Boss so you are not caught actively tuning on to Balika Vadhu.

Balika Vadhu is this really odd TV serial right after Big Boss. There is a fierce mother-in-law in it, who looks like a cheetah wearing a Rajasthani ghaghra and standing on two hind feet.

Anyway so I was like, "dude, i'm just being hospitable. i'm doing this for ya so you don't have to go through the awkwardness of ASKING me to tune in to B.V." Thank God for acronyms.

"Wha--?" He made a puzzled face like he was Chandler in Friends. "You know what, you need to get a life. B.V? Dude, you're scaring me!"

I walked into my room and banged the door. Then silence. But it felt too much like an angry wife. So I came out and banged the door again as if to show that was my deal with doors, aggressive and all.

By then, I had missed a few lines in B.V. but he briefed me and we watched it together with a pink newspaper on the laps which we looked into frequently and even discussed Lehman, Nomura etc (during the ad-breaks)

Last Week of September

2008-10-06T04:17:00.000-07:00

And so as the clock drew close to September 30 and almost struck midnight, I felt like a male-Cinderella.... They were all expiring, the dance had to end....

The glass Nike-shoe turned into a distant dot and the silent song of the old souls: "the March numbers are expiring! the 6 month rule! Can't file DRHP! Cat-soup!"

"ALLPARTY CON CALL-please confirm asap!" A banker threw the hook and we bit like suicidal fish.

Speaking on the con call, I was no more Cindarella. I was an Ashok Kumar kind of serious surgeon. The kind who in 80s movies used to take off his gloves and say outside the green curtains of an operation theatre: "hum aapke [] ko nahin bacha sake". And blink quickly to indicate invisible male-tears.

I spoke, shifting from Ashok Kumar the surgeon to Iftekhar the policeman (esp when talking to auditors) to Hangal the village-daughter's father asking for izzat (esp when talking to promoter-uncle) to Manorama the evil mother-in-law (esp when talking to the Company Secretary thanks to pending info and ALL THE SMILEYS HE SENDS ME AND HE IS 46 YEARS)....

[with Red Bull that cool drink for guys]
At the end when it became clear SOMEONE fromt the work group has to break the news since the CFO was still in a "naheee!!" denial mode.

I said:
"Cl 49 is yet to be stricly complied with... [trail many requisition lists as a polite defence]... and in light of this material deviation...
we tried to...
difficult...
not advisable...
not possible...

Mentally preparing them with each para, pre-conversed and rehearsed, and said in the apologetic spirit of Death [which is inevitable but never welcome, like September 30 Truths in a Bad Market]

Oh, and guess what. Just before this Asap-con call, a baby analyst-banker smsed "what is dis call about?? it's 10 pm man!"

I wrote "basically the drhp can't be filed tomo; so we are telling ur clients this news. To save you the messy conversation."

"xcellent dude. will get the co-head on dis call coz sounds critical. and also can u send m3 back-ups of dd-dox smtime esp rej3t3d FIPB app and all dat?"

"sure."

then he wrote "xoxo". But i think that was a mistake he must have meant to send it to smone else what the hell.

************************************************************************************
Now read this poetry and feel deep... Frankly, it's like a 2007 real estate company cover letter- long and kind of boring. So get a shot of coffee before. The poem is intended to redeem my liberal use of Bollywood references in the post.
In any case I am carrying a basketball to office on Saturday just to make sure I don't slip too much in the coolness-ranking.

Poetry is a substiute
For idle remembrances
Strung like plastic toys
On cheap wires
A child cries
For a water-gun
And years later
The word
“Country fair”
Reminds him of
Unmet wants
Taunts, a high-pitched
Scream
And he blames
Himself for
The weekend break-up
For the homosexuality
For stealing office stationery
For the costly session
To cure depression
The word “country fair”
He remembers more
Yellow and red
Plastic
And between the branches
A leaf dances
He snaps his finger, one by one
Part for Q.E.D. ("this is it... this was it...")
Part for that old women's disease, arthritis.

(c)Me

A Product

2008-10-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

You know it's a bad economy when the chance of a Rs. 30 crore buy-out is headlines news in Business Standard.

Separately, stepping out into a dalal avtaar- I have thought of a complexish product. To make it even more complex/free from scrutiny, we can decorate it with a few trusts into it, will make it seem tax-friendly.

This is a promoter-financing boutique vehicle. Only for rights issues to promoters and preferential issues to promoters.

GreenRock LLP will finance promoter funding for acquire their shares in rights/pref issues. The slogan will be "Pamper your Company in Bad Times: Dilution-Free"

In return GreenRock LLP will get a many pieces of paper. On this, a vase mountain of deriavtives will be made and traded and I will only know it's rocked the market when it comes right back to me in an evolved form and I buy it and sell it again. Passing on the parcel till the music stops like it did in the old country song Mortgage Montana.

But how will GreenRock LLP get funds to fund promoter acquisitions? Debt is too expensive; I do not want to work only to service the debt like a bandhua mazdoor. Maybe I will need to get a HNI partner. I'm thinking Shah Rukh... He will have that reassuring, you-are-safe-with-me main hoon nah effect on clients. And the dimples are not bad either. Let's see.

Superior Quality Writing for my Fine Readers

2008-09-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

There are a few stray folks in this industry who like to think that it's like a Miss Word Contest. Everyone has to be ranked, that too in swimwear rounds.
For them: welcome to the anti-party (i.e. a concept that is diametrically opposite to the word "party"). Life is bigger than that, richer, and actually there is no one single race.

Separately, there was a constructive comment re my blog writing- there are too many connections made. I address this comment here. Regular readers, skip and move on to SEBI amendments. Over-reactive response (because I have like, so much time?):

True. I presume an evolved reader. And well, that is literary style dahling (or is that too girlish? why can only pretty girls be defensive and insecure and pass it off as cuteness?)

Connections in the literary worlds are tributes to the power of the metaphor: this silly blog is as good a place to learn about it as any. For example, the Shakespearean storms for turbluence (I got 94% in ICSE ). My favourite lands of metaphors are the writings of James Joyce and Virginia Woolf. This is different from magical realism where reality mingles with fantasy to evoke a feeling, a drama such as in Gabriel Garcia's fiction.

Now, take for example, the reference to Miss World in the first para of this post. The aspect of Ms. World invoked is: a focussed single competition with a large audience, and towards a dubious purpose, ironically of a feature-beauty-that even contestants admit cannot be measured; a competition which is almost a charade (as conveyed in the premise of the English-movie Ms. Congeniality).

I hope that was useful. I feel intellectual anyway.

At the cost of repition: when I write, I presume it is for evolved audiences. For the layman in Ahmedbabad, I write DRHPs.

[Over-reactive response ends]
Today is Saturday and man, I miss my bike. Esp in the Noida highway. It was fun being poorer. Bye-)

Attrition

2008-09-24T22:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the way bankers talk, I feel I work in an old age home not a law firm. "Woh jo tumhara senior tha- woh abhi hai ke gaya?"

When the answer is he has gone, I point to a star in the sky like the little Sikh boy from that Shah Rukh Khan movie that ended in a sari-girl losing a basketball game to win a guy who wore a cool chain.

Sunday Stories

2008-09-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

I dislike very few people. Very very few. To the vast majority of the rest, I am neutral. One good thing they do tends to counterbalance with an annoying thing but "net-net" as unposh people say, it is the same.

So unless you are in the special list of the very very few people, you are safe. Otherwise you need to run for insurance. Trust me. If not now, then 10 years later- you will be grateful for the insurance.

Anyway, I am planning to start another blog called Smug Housewife.

Today I was so tired from serving rotis. So I told the ayah to make thicker ones. That way the family would eat the same amount so I do not feel guilty of under-feeding. But it would not be spread out over so many tiny rotis.

In the name of thick rotis, Lakshmi made some hinjra-parathas. They looked like a cross between two nameless wheaties. I force-fed with such joy though once literally stuffing it inside a guest's mouth when he had covered his plate with his greasy fingers that nothing was noticed.

After the meal, I got her to make wafer thin rotis for myself and ate like a queen. A hungry queen.

Bye. Love most of y'all.

Nice

2008-09-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

They say I am not nice enough. (I also say that about others especially Slapping Girl-Associate who I just caught passing off my take on the future of futures as hers).

Anyway here is a poem.

Disclaimer: Once again, just becoz I can make words rhyme does not mean I am like some sort of Devdas- girls, please note that and control the urge to send me a smiley. I know when desparation is hiding in cuteness, which is, like everytime?
Anyway.

It's so easy being nice
I know from experience
I've tried it twice

*Separately, wanna-bes please note that in US lingo there is nothing like thrice. It's as odd to them as "seventhice" to us. So stop the ice at 2.

Like

2008-09-08T02:54:00.000-07:00

So many new amendments are flying around. The regulators are like Class X teeangers, changing their minds about the future course, like, every day.

By the way- is it girlish to say "like", like, a lot?

I do it when English fails me and so I create, like, an accent?

Slapping Girl Associate told someone, "Whaad- you like him? As in, you like-like him?" Shaking her fattening arms like a retired MTV VJ . The other girl shrugged and then they looked at me and started giggling.

I inspire shyness in women which is very encouraging. Sometimes the auditor also feels shy but that's because he is not still sure of Issue Procedure.

It's funny that if you are in India and say "dude he's got an accent" you mean a US/UK or at worst an Austrailian one, and it's assumed the dude is acting smart.

But if you are in the West (I visited Germany once, ya?) and they say,"dude, you've got an accent" it means a non-US/UK accent and it's assumed you are not the rich-classy-educated type.

This is getting too intellectual for y'all.

Go read all the amendments. Most will haunt you on the day before circulating the khokha of the DRHP. ASBA, ABBA, BASA and all that. Feel important. Feel free, feel the fee. That's the best part about lawyering and that's the part about best lawyering.

Bye dudes, I'm like, a little tired today? From over-work obviously.

Tinkle

2008-09-02T02:22:00.000-07:00

Slapping Girl-Associate caught me reading a Tinkle. If things couldn't get more uncool, I was smiling at a story with Doob Doob the crocodile.
She said, "Oh I like mainstream children's literature as well... especially of the heartland kind." As usual thinking she is very intellectual (and pretty also).
So I was like, "Usually I have a colonized view of literature so anything Euro works."
This was a smart statement. It was actually a spoof on her shallow mind. It also redeemed the Tinkle.
Then she started complaining about how other counsel had not accepted her escrow agreement comments as if it was some sort of marriage proposals all strung into a Word garland.
Sometimes I feel like picking up a Tinkle and reading during long drafting sessions where the ILC is arguing with the auditor over comfort letter and I am a Co counsel. But to do all-that is bad and plus I would have to cover Tinkle in newspaper paper like girls do to MillsnBoon in school.
I've read enough MillsBoons to know that they are the cause of a lot of painful fairydust in women's eyes. I know you've read them too dudes, let's not be insecure. I've read enough Maxims to compensate for those anyway.
Bye. I know this wasn't funny but I am not paid to entertain you. Get out.

Single Sundays- Tips

2008-08-29T04:16:00.000-07:00

One problem of a dude like me who's single (by choice obviously) is how to show I have a Life.
These are my tricks and tips, just so you can appreciate my raw intelligence if nothing else. Once again, women, I do not like getting mails which are disguised proposals. And if you have sent such a mail then atleast send a follow-up mail saying "a friend hacked into my acocunt and sent it." Disguised desparation can be effectively redeemed by deliberate self-effacement.
Now that I have by the aforementioned sentence convinced you of my good-English I can be confident enough to say following things for your kind perusal:

1. I try to catch a late weekday movie. Don't talk about it till Monday. Then on Monday I am like, dude, have you seen Dark Knight? as if I went with friends and saw it on Saturday. Only catch is this secret-weekday movie has to be English and not chick-flick type. You cannot initiate a conversation re Singh is King. If someone else does so, that too if that person is cooler than you, then you can make a quick judgment and leap in later.

2. I try to mention the word "a friend" a lot. Like, a friend told me to try out this place in Sarita Vihar. Yeah, Sarita Vihar. It's not an upscale place so the words "Sarita Vihar" should be mentioned with an orangy twist, almost like you a a thin white tourist in shorts walking around arbit road temples in India.

3. I pick a resturant. Say Tabula Rasa. Ask "have you been to Tabula Rasa?" If the person is over-cool then "have you been to Tabula Rasa lately?"
Chances are he or she will say no. Then you can
a. either say "neither have I- some friends are dragging me along next week" Ref to 2 above. Plus the next week-deadline, makes sure others forget soon. So that way there are no follow-ups. Or
b. if really pushed to it, I say I have been then Sunday and hated it or loved it and focus more on your experience than the place.

If someone says yes they have visited the place then look I very bored, almost intellectual, and then I say something generic like it's overrated.

4. I don't reply to Orkut scraps for atleast 32 hours. Facebook- 24 hours.

5. I have learnt 4-5 exotic food items. Not too exotic; the foi gras and lemongrass variety. That way you can mix and match food with places. Don't try this with drinks if you are a dude. Leave that for wannabe girls, the fast kinds who are on Shaadi.com with "Posted by Self" profiles. It's undudesy to be discussing Cosmopolitans and Lichi Martinins and all. Wines are too old-men whiskey too expensive and anyway if you want to show you are American-type it's bourbon so it's too compliancated. So stick to food and good beer.

6. if you were on an arranged marriage road-show, don't tell people. They will ask you follow-up questions and if it doesn't work out they will assume it is coz girl's dad didn't like your smile.

7. Never be foolish enough to ask someone "how was your weekend?" unless you have a smart story to tell about yours.

Bye. Have a good weekend. Hee hee.

Bad Poetry for the Very Bored

2008-08-25T02:33:00.000-07:00

Today water has melted into water

An artist is just a fancier potter

And if this poem lapses

In quality collpases

Just when you thought

It could not get any worse

Here is some more idle verse

Take a ladies' purse

This is a sign

That I cannot write

Any more rhyme

So log off

And do not return

Learn

To forget this space

Get sentimental

Think of old letters old lace

This will go

Without a trace

I think I am fine

Maybe I've drunk

Too much wine

An Irrelevant Song

2008-08-21T04:57:00.000-07:00

Like the points some people raise (esp Advert Agency Guy commenting on Issue Procedure), this song is irrelevant and a non-issue.
But anyway.

A quick rhyme for the Times

If I Go
[clap with wannabe head-banging; an electronic guitar]

If I ever leave the Firm
Will associates weep
Will flowers flow
Sweet like soulful songs on sites

Will I have to settle
A law suit
Or just settle for
Something cute
Like a toy-bell

Or will someone
Shoot my photo
(With spiky hair, in an expensive chair, looking thin and looking fair)
And splash it and cash it
As gossip news! For industry views!
Pretty girls will deduce
While pretending to DD
If I was made an offer
That would make anyone greedy?
Or maybe I found the office-place
Like, way uncool and DDD s33DY
Older men and older ladies
Who actually remember the 80s
Will unwind themotives, the future of the profession
In a disguised girly gossip session
Will associates be free of tension
Will some turn labour union leader
And claim pension

[Garish girls and and bitchy boys
I will be glad for their glad joys]

Will I be a losing recruiter's muse
Will some confuse
My going for the Firm's
Death
For the market's faith
In Indians, in men, and will some for fun
Say things like
When will Local Firms learn?
Shifting the onus
For a better bonus...

Will most feel glad
And say with
Empty coffee cups
Like bored pups
How
I was mostly bad
Just a fad
A handsome lad

If I go
Will They chatter
Like I actually matter
Or will my inbox be just
Litter
Of Orkut scraps
Saved from auditors
Negotiating
Comfort letters
The circling drum
In an inapporpriate forum?
Will some let
Their sweet upset
Like old velvet
Melt...

If I go
Will I turn
Will I
Ever return
And when I do
I hope as you do
That I look as young
After stacks of RHPs
Are strung
After a thousand WG mails are spun
After Risque songs are sung
Yes I hope
I look as young

Chorus [In a wannabe-Amercian accent]
I look as young
[fading]
I look as young
[In a wannabe-posh UK accent]
I look as young
I look as young

Girl-Associate

2008-08-11T23:42:00.000-07:00

Slapping Girl-Associate who thinks she is superior because she is from Calcutta where school children are forced to speak in English even in tiffin-breaks and has read a few English story-books set in the European Victorian era is writing a thesis on Happy Associate.

I caught an extract of the thesis in a print of an e-mail roughly mapping out the thought.

"...This fortifies my theory that any answer other than "I don't know" is acceptable in the chom [north indian] male sub-culture and there is a social acceptance of soft lies or foolishness which has to be happen to substitute for the phrase. also explains why so many indians lack focus in communication. coz they rarely say what they mean and communication many times serves more to hide than tell. the interesting point being that in certain circumstances the hiding is acceptable to the listener. and one of those circumstances is having to say i don't know in a chom context (male speaker-male listener; male speaker; female listener]"

This may be good for some LLM application; or better still a MA application which can then be stretched to an LLM the next year.

She has been walking around the office with a bored look as if it is my fault that I cannot entertain her enough with my theories of real estate prices, and how India was the best country in the world once. Ofcourse I tried telling her that once and she gave me an answer that made me want to cry to the tune of a patriotic Lata Mangeshkar song. She said with a smirk (thinking she was looking pretty when she just looked retarded and I am cool enough to know R is a bad word) "As if there was an India then".

How can a girl of these values ever hope to attract me? I explained to her obviously I meant the rough boundaries of the civilization. Even in definitions, it's presumed when you define SEBI Act it is "as amended from time to time". She lost the argument and just looked away as if thinking some greatly philosophical thought. There is no way she is fitting into my family. She must look elsewhere.

Cosmopolitan-Type Post

2008-07-30T03:51:00.000-07:00

10 Ways to Tell How is He by How He Uses the Stapler

etc

Quick tips:

From how someone uses the stapler, you can tell how he is. Calm, nervous, organized, dreaming.

From the Managament chapter, you can tell how fine the English grammar of the craftsman is.

From the Definitions section, you can assess how detail-oriented the draft is. Watch out for those which have Working Days defined.

From the cover letter you can tell how deep the knowledge level is. Watch out for the two page flyers.

From a hassled look, you can tell that the person is substituing focus with food, car-maintenance and other thoughts.

Slapping Girl-Associate

2008-07-23T02:36:00.000-07:00

Slapping Girl-Associate returned to office in the afternoon, hair open, party-eyed with rumpled collar, tinsel on cheekbone, and I knew she had attended an imaginary kick-off meeting.

Anyway I told her about government trust vote and all and she was like "big deal".

That's when you feel stupid; when you say something with spiked voice and big eyes, and then the other person lies: big deal.

Next time she mentions how data rooms are just bare walls and she is forced to sit there and how I should complain to Company on her behalf and tell-to-bankers, I will also say: big deal. Atleast in my mind.

She has put on 2-3 kilos. Her cheekbones have disappeared along with any office-morals.
Now I can see ger giggling on her desktop- I am sure someone on Google chat is flirting with her. It could even be me since I am also G-talking her now though in the same office. Y'll won't understand- it is a mid-20s Thing.

I will not tell her about weight gain and get booked for some harrassment thing. Who cares. Let her finish all the client-cookies. I have lost 1 kilo after I turned to low-fat milk. And that's what counts.

How Intellectual I Am

2008-07-14T03:27:00.000-07:00

I am listening to the air
Hearing the quiet music there
Sense and cadence
Melodies bent by memories' lens
And look now
The sound wave curls
Like the hair
Of a favourite ghost

*

I hope y'all are suitably impressed. Don't write me any fan mail, women. Remember, all pre-offical mails will be vetted by Mummy and Menu Aunty also.

Bye. I am thinking of filing a PIL re how unclear the SCRR, 1957 is not clear in its letters and fetters, and I have locus and all that coz I am investor, a potential investor, an advisor to SEBI-registered intermediaries, and above all a lawyer.

Why You Are Probably Less Complex Than Me (I?)

2008-07-10T22:48:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to develop a fresh persecution complex. This time it's not less attractive people are jealous therefore mean to me, less intelligent people are jealous therefore mean to me, other men are jealoustherefore mean to me.
It's the computer.
I don't download bad things, not even songs (coz I don't know too many English songs and it is so uncool to store Kaho Na Pyar Hai and all and listen that too on iPod nano). Still why is it that only my comp hangs, the mouse never obeys me and keyboard is totally out of sync?

Random

2008-07-08T01:57:00.000-07:00

The windows of the building open out like curious eyes. A creeper embroiders the brick, and when it rains, its leaves nod.

Yeah, I wrote that. If you like that kind of writing, then chances are I will like you. Not because you appreciated that, but because you liked what I wrote. People are like that, simple and easy to please.

Like Slapping Girl-Associate. I told her she is thinning like Kareena Kapoor and she smiled. In her mind, this was a compliment from an eligible boy, fair and well-placed, with car even.

I did not tell her I feel she looks like a fourteen year old boy, the one at the Mallad vegetable shop. Wonder why he smiles so much when he sees me; I feel like telling him you have got three nails painted red and a shirt that says Hey Barbie the joke is on you.

Whatever.

Anyway, a banker-boy with a thick voice called about research black-out dates and all, arguing why our note was more conservative than Chapter IX. I spoke to him for long and we are going for Maid of Honour on Friday.

WorkinProgressDraft

2008-07-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

Slapping Girl-Associate has regualarly started sending DRHPs called "work in progress draft" That way the Company can't bite if it doesn't see the college of a KMP put in though they did provide it in hard copy; and the Other Law Firm can't bite since it's only a WIP so chill.
It's like Google's Beta. It invites comments for betterment, not criticism.
I never send WIP drafts unless I have to. But that's like saying I never lie unless I have to. Depends on the subjective understanding of the term "I have to"
Anyway I know all this is getting too heavy for y'all who secretly want me to write about how well-preserved Chunky Pandey is.
Too bad. Only intellectual things this time.

Your Quota of Serious Reading

2008-06-24T03:22:00.000-07:00

So another day has dusked (why always "dawned") taking with it a feather of a passing pigeon, a heartbreak, a Registrar's MoU.....

Somehow girls love it when I write like this and I get all sorts of mail which I know are disguised proposals from girls but I am the Dude, unfazed, and walk to the neighborhood bar, sit on a wood stool with a big cap (like they wear in Zoo or in Western movies), and smoke a cigarette making an imaginary duck in the air with the smoke. Basically this is an attitude so when I walk in Karol Bag careful of not touching semi-washed elbows of the Crowd, this is what I am, the man with a hat, the smoke, the duck.

And you all know by now that the best part of my job is the Registrar's MoU. It's got even more exciting due to the May 08 Regs re intermediaires -and registrars are intermediaries. Only hope is that Ad Agency guy will not comment- this is his favourite agreement, followed by some distance by the Issue Procedure chapter.

I think I need to go back coz the final Banker has confirmed the draft so now I have to pass on the parcel to the Company, silver bow and all, tied to perfection as I learnt to in my school day embroidery classes. And that's a metaphor before y'all call me a Gay.

This and That

2008-06-20T00:26:00.000-07:00

Monsoons are misty-green trees and a sea dreaming in brown. The window is blind with water, and all I can hear is the sound of the printer.Some client has requested us to "do the needful"

Except the task is not needed.

And if I make the minor change and circulate then again same ad-agency guy who is being marked on all mails for some reason will comment, throw some amendment and get more over-involved than even the ILC who is writing all sorts of comments on Notes on Capital Structure and Basis of Issue Price. Never mind that his business section is a poor copy of the khokha he started with. The issuer company is showing as a competitor in Business Section of that khokha and this is the 8th circulated version.

Worm

2008-06-13T03:55:00.001-07:00

I told one Banker-Boy that he is a worm and even worms have nutritional qualities for Chinese people at least he has none of that going for him.
He wanted to work in a stupid clause into the agreement and when I didn't agree he called others in the firm to see if they could slip it in as if it was like inserting a rat in a drawer. Ultimately he called an intern (who had been posing as associate and looking very troubled and sending mails at 11 pm after pizzas and all) and that's when I told him Worm Thing.
So I was like, look you want to add something you think your Client won't like, you put it on email, don't whisper to me at midnight on phone while saying OK-OK on email to All. Worm (second time I used that worm-word) If you are shy to talk to client like a new bride is to make in-laws, then atleast the rest of us onboard through the right channels, not sneaking here and there. Just grow a backbone, call a conference, write an email, don't bribe me by midnight whispers about the indemnity-business, don't think the Intern can slip it in either so stop tele-marketing across the firm and lobbying with interns and all.
So now he has crept away, his hundred arms moving slowly into a an anthill of Nariman Point.

Fight

2008-06-11T05:24:00.000-07:00

Today while killing time with others by drinking from an empty cup, coffee long-gone, I said with very distant eyes the kind that make me look like Shah Rukh of 90s, "Time flies."

So Slapping Girl-Associate sips from her empty cup which has stolen her lipstick, and says like a fighter-cock, "Yeah so? Why shouldn't it? It won't sit, like still?"

I gave her an eye-slap and said, why are you here hanging around for last one hour. Alteast you can pretend to work.

She got so shocked that sometimes even I can say bad words that she was like, "dude, what's wrong with you today?"

So I was like, "Why? Can't I be wrong today?" imitating her fighting style but something sounded bit off, so I hurried back to the computer. Anyway my Orkut was open didnt want peons and all to be sending friend-requests from my account to gigolo-type boys.

More poetry on Sea (Not Downloaded From Net)

2008-06-09T05:30:00.000-07:00

Monsoon brown
Girnar tea
And
Arabian sea
Merge
In a flood
See
this
Floating cup

Internally Reviewed

2008-06-05T03:08:00.000-07:00

To write something is being "internally reviewed" waves a wand in the mind, and we think of four men, an oak table, staring at a document (and ocassionally at each other), a magnifying glass, the echoes of a clock etching time on the neat wall.

Actually it just means an early 20s boy is too busy flirting on Facebook to take the time to do homework, chat with Senior about the answer, and has sent a "please keep quiet till I tell you to talk" mail to the working group.

I love early 20s boys for their ease of operations. Early 20s boys have the zest for life, can catch an amendment in the air and spin it like pizza dough, they are the best movie and car critics, their screensavers and yells make the office a livelier place and the world easier to work in, and they can format like a machine.

Many are frequently attractive as the hair-losing starts only after 25.5, not like a dude like me cares but am just being objective. I have my bike, my buddies (not all Orkut-types, please) and when I wear that red Raga shirt, I feel like King, man. I even have an imaginary guitar.

I say this since I am now no longer in my early 20s. I am in fact in my mid-twenties, don't like Heidi Klum and other too thin foreign IPL cheerleader type so much (I was forced to like them due to peer pressure) and now prefer the more real ones like those in Shaadi.com ad with sthethescope to the ear and even the new sleazier avtaar of Amrita Rao and all this means I am just being pulled closer to my roots. I even pray sometimes, not in an obvious sort of way by visiting temples and all like a child-wanting wife bribing God by extra attention, but you know, by say buying a cool Ganesh from a cool shop and putting it on the desk and not caring a damn. That sort of thing.

The mid-20s are fun. I know who I am, don't hate myself for it. I am still young, most girls around my age are either not married and happy which makes them easy to be with, or not married and desparate to be so, which just makes them easy. I win both ways.

Like y'all know, I rock. Or is that too 2005? I'm a little nervous about using slang these days.

Found in Translation

2008-06-03T02:26:00.000-07:00

Some associates were reviewing (cut/pasting from) Bengali to English translated copies of litigation papers. Apparently, the translated copies had references to a lot of boy-boy cheap humour and all.
So the more intelligent one suspected that it was the translator who was acting too smart.
It became a filing bottleneck, as all was done and delivered and even the auditors had finished circling and colouring and were now playing around. So I was like, chuck it, let's put "We don't have a few litigation papers some of which may be material" in Risk factor and slip a line in cover letter, promising we will add at RHP stage so the other DLC just pasted it on coz it was last minute and all, and no time for ILC re-sign off.
But problem came when after filing someone discovered that the dubious translations had actually made it into the SEBI-filed document and litigation section was not fit to be read by some sort of decent government official, black spectacles, checkered shirt, moustache, paperweight and all.
Now I am fearing SEBI interim observations, what they will say and am too shy to ask translator so I just told associate in a faint-voice to "work things out" which basically means find a way by which the entire working group takes liablitiy for things. Also known in cooler circles as "keeping them in the loop" by the way.
Then I even felt like asking translator to translate some of the more difficult cases from English to easier English; giving him DRHP drafting style etc. But doubt if clients will pay for it and bankers also will raise issues.
Let us wait for US to do it; then we can copy in name of global convergence.
Bye. Don't spend too much time on the Internet and especially don't talk to strangers too much.

Deviation

2008-05-29T03:50:00.000-07:00

As if there was not enough poetry about time and tides, here is some more.

The sea is old
The wrinkled skin,
The stirring of
The soul within.

The sea is young
Its playful leap
Hides the pranks
Of storms beneath.

Bye and fuck off.

Freud

2008-05-28T02:42:00.001-07:00

Some boy said some thing about a girl but used male gender. And someone else said, that is a Freudian slip, that is a Freudian slip.
The Berry Internet is slow so I could not Google but I did think what the slip was, some sort of receipt, some sort of undergarment, some sort of escape.
Anyway then I found out it was a shrink sort of person who got famous on a very obvious theory which everyone forcefully has to find intellectual. Like Andy Wahrol's art; and Kafta's story especially Metamorphosis where a man turns into some sort of mosquito; like Italian espresso cofffee (so expensive in such small cup that too); Swiss fondue (reeks of old cheap cooking wine); truffles (I would rather eat a fresh kaochori fried in the spice-filled lanes of the heartland, a cow behind the scooter).
So I don't think much of Freud. Ofcourse once I was studying for Civils; then all-this would have been useful.
Bye. Don't think my English is bad but- do you know the meaning of sangfroid? I do. So now you go and read Sebi Standard Obs. Or Goldilocks if you are a fairytales-kind-of-guy.

Ready Manual for Ahuja-Type Clients

2008-05-19T04:00:00.000-07:00

inadvertently omitted- forgot coz i was drunk

it is likely that- it's too boring for me to pick up Companies Act and check

from past SEBI experience- bankers want this but we cant say this to you

pending list- why the DRHP can't be filed atleast 2 months after your expected deadline

depending on the auditors- we are desparately hoping auditors take time else we are in trouble

the working group has decided- i have been selected to bell the cat as the others in the team are too senior and the others are bankers who are too polite to tell you the truth directly

it is preferable that- we are not sure where the law comes from but that's how it's been.

Party

2008-05-14T01:10:00.000-07:00

Last week I attended a drafting party. The cookies and drinks were average; the pizza was reasonably fresh and as for the girls, none sober enough for me to think of marrying. As for the boys, one had a decent hair-cut but how do I care.

I felt like a chorus boy. Coz Client will not understand the importance of the issue till it is repeated like the chorus of an Anu Malik song. Anu Malik's a decent analogy coz when an idea/class-participation point surfaces, we-all have to pick up on it, and reword it. Sometimes when things get boring, I don't even reword. I just say the same lines but with a very piercing gaze so Ahuja CFO gets mesmerized. Makes up for the fact that these days I do not shave daily though I know the scruffy look is not cool anymore due to Savariya Boy and all.

Anyway some Associate returned from Switzerland with Toblerone I suspected he just bought at Alpha in Anderi. I mean if you go to Switzerland it just means you have watched too many Shah Rukh Khan films and that you have too much in common with flocks of Gujaarti aunties from Rajkot. So this Associate after the drafting party talked about it there is no other country in the world or like there is noone else in the world who has visited Abroad.

I reminded him about my famous trip to Germany said Ya a few times. And then I asked him about Swiss IPOs and someone the room emptied, and the lyrics of a soulful song burst from his tight suit. Transparent rivers, bells of cows echoing in the valley and what-not you won't even believe. So I felt little uncomfortable I mean we are dudes after all what is he talking about bells and all for. Idiot. Turns out what he later added about Swiss IPOs was wrong anyway coz I Googled.

I am thinking of getting married by the way. It is important. Soon I will be seen as someone who can only get what is left. But what is left is often what is right. Coz the idiots first pick what glitters which is often not gold. Also being seen as a married boy will give me some respite from the increasingly Fast Girls who keep calling while I am pretending to work and distracting me. All kinds of excuses like I lost my phone so can you give me so-and-so's number, can you check my resume pleeeasssee and then leave those Google Talk wannabe-nurturing lines like "don't work too hard it's too late".

Bye. I am kind of sick of y'all truth be told.

rumour

2008-04-03T03:26:00.000-07:00

there is a rumour that you are leaving for linklaters slapping girl-associate said to me.
a single curl played on her cheek, slyly hiding a pimple.
i know, i answered and she unsmiled. i also know you started the rumor.
sometimes i do not know why she has a crush on me; she keeps finding excuses to come to my cubible, ask a question (usually to generate gossip about myself), ask why i have not done my bit of Approvals section etc.

Talking again

2008-04-01T04:10:00.001-07:00

CFOs are like rich toddlers. They want new toys to play with all the time. With current market valuations, QIPs are just a memory. (I love quickie DDs so I will miss them); IPOs are not happening so some CFOs are toying with buy-backs- atleast it will increase EPS as shares will decrease; or bonus which is like a child messing in its own porridge bowl as it just rearranges; and changes nothing except ofcourse you can offer your shares at a lower price to the public while retaining your dignity and valuation.

Anyway so one girl with a loose character approached me for "dinner and drinks" Now I am a little confused: does this mean dinner followed by drinks at a separate cooler venue or does it mean dinner and then alchohol alongside instead of fresh lime soda? Or is it some sort of code word for cheap behaviour?

Luckliy I don't care coz I am so busy attending imaginary kick-offs. Bye. Wear some lipstick.

Upset

2008-02-13T02:51:00.000-08:00

The draft red herring prospectus I was making was born under a bad star. First, it caught viruses. Then, other things which cannot be disclosed, but the kind of injustices that could drive 80s Amitabh to ring the temple bell in an angry way.
So in current version of the document, to prevent nazar, I have put a bullet point on the top right corner, like they do on baby's faces.
Also, the ad agency guy has once again started commenting on my Issue Procedure chapter. I met him once and that is what is causing all-this, I suspect. Anyway, he has long grey hair, curly and I fear commenting on the ads (disclaimer missing or when it is there then not legible, just to look vigilant) because then he will find more reasons to call me to meetings in GK I M Block CCD. Once he called me, and I went also with a laptop as a weapon, and then it emerged that he was the only other person. He meant it was a meeting between him and me, as usual, Issue Procedure, refund warrants and what not.
Hate to break this to y'all, but this is a tough life. And there is a saying [I am rambling coz I know you have so much time to waste] that when the going gets tough the tough get going but point is- going where? You can even go to hell. Idiots.

Working Hardt

2008-02-11T03:08:00.000-08:00

Slapping Girl-Associate asked me, "So what's the deal with the hospital sector?"
I could have said something witty like it's sick but I do not want people making fun of my aborted deals so I was like, "Nothing." And shrugged, like a moody genius with deep eyes and an even deeper voice.

She shrunk away and melted slowly, a spoonful of malice.

At night I cried because I had done so much DD on some issue that was still born. My teddy bear is still wet.

Linguist

2008-02-03T22:17:00.000-08:00

I am thinking of learning a new language and can't make up my mind between Bhojpuri and German. I visited Germany for a few days on on acquisition so that is the normal choice by Bhojpuri is closer to my Indian values.

These types of dilemmas offen occupy my mind but it's better to have a coffin with a corpse than an empty coffin if you know what I mean. Sounds intellectual anyway.

Also, when will winter end? I wear a monkey-cap hoping noone will recognize me but the other day some girl was asking why I travel in a woolen veil. I wanted to say what sort of decent girl stares at boys in neighbouring cars but did not as I felt bad for her.

Anyway listed companies should not do FPOs. QIPs are so much quicker and easier. Anyway can you convince a teenage girl to change her hairstyle to one of your choice? I prefer blunt cut but they say blunts are "so-90s" think they will come back in the 2010s but I will always keep my hair on the shorter side.

Drafting session

2008-01-28T21:08:00.001-08:00

Some girl came to meeting wearing such a short skirt that it became difficult not to giggle with the boys, nudge them and when she turned to her left, then wink at the oil-slicked hair Borivalli Boy sitting next to her and texting furiously on his N95.

After she made 5-6 class-participation points at the drafting session, cleverly touching on points only she would know and I was too busy working on some other deal on the laptop at the meeting, and not as if bankers or opposite counsel would be aware of those esoteric points as bankers are just bankers and opposite counsel, well, he was an intern posing as senior associate (i.e. not taking down notes with a passion) such as forex law amendments and some other "recent amendments". Now this "recent amendment" even I know is a googly- even if you read an amendment a month ago you can never be sure coz maybe the reference is to some amendment that came yesterday when you were too busy to read the paper and only got time to read matrimonial (that too those in bold and yellowed) and astrological signs of myself, my latest crush (bough my iPod last April so it is Aries heehee) and my Mom ofcourse.

Anyway turns out this girl in a short skirt was quite knowledgeable (coz I had done same issue in a prior deal, so I know the issue, pre-IPO placement stuff, so I was passively listening and Orkutting also).

Bye. Let me end abruptly and mess with your mind.

Drafting session

2008-01-28T21:08:00.000-08:00

Reply All

2008-01-04T03:03:00.000-08:00

One Girl-Associate who is too attractive to be taken seriously has sent some mark-ups on my document.
So I could either act hostile or flirtatious. These are the only two social choices capital markets presents you with. B-B is a little complex (I mean boy to boy) but boils down to same thing only with dude and some shoulder-squeezing maybe even a back-rub depending on hair style of boy in question.

So I could either act hostile or flirtatious. So I just mailed back OK, thanks dear with a smiley. Too bad for me it went reply-all to everyone, including the auditor (same one who leaves me Orkut scraps about comfort letters). So last thing I wanted to do was mail recall coz then everyone will keep all their SEBI filings aside and read THAT mail only.

She just now replied "wtf" but only marked to me and also to some Orkut-girl who I scrap a lot. What a malicious Girl-Associate. Anyway, she has just joined the hallowed portals of the billboard which screams "The Girls Who Stalked Me Once While I Was Young and Often Doing DD"

So many things, so little time

2007-12-27T03:40:00.000-08:00

There is one Lawyer Boy who is pretending to work so hard that he has disabled "Sent from my handheld Blackberry" from his mail. So when he is out on the road drinking mausambi juice with future models, people think he is at work if he sends a quick mail.

Anyway basically this Lawyer Boy is an intern. Like I said, these days due to Bandwidth Crisis, even interns are given office phones and the better-looking boys the Berries. Girl-Interns are not given the handsets due to fear of misuse: too much e-mailing hee hee type of forwards (10 Ways to Know if He is Into You) and all.

Anyway as it is holiday season y'all can now pretend to be less busy. Busy, but less so. For life, darlings (men, don't get ideas unnecessarily it is a Film fare black-cat figure of speech), is a matter of dying by degrees. Or pretending to.

Showing off my English little-bit

2007-12-21T02:07:00.000-08:00

So now to hedge my bets against women who believe a guy who loves poetry is better than guy with a better bonus here goes:

Day and night my toils redouble,
Never nearer to the goal;
Night and day, I feel the trouble
Of the Wanderer in my soul.

These lines
Are not mine
They reside
On a website
Which contains
Poems about love
Death and Earth [caps make words deeper]
Oh, and nature and birth
Especially by some
Wordsworth

So the extract was from a poet called Wordsworth. But why should I put (c) and dilute my borrowed genius?

The art of appreciation lies in selection. Like in picking the right template for a DRHP not in manually drafting Issue Procedure again (other than amendments for PAN and the pursuit of other delights)

I am thinking of adding copyright violation as additional cover letter item.

2007-12-20T06:14:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows, if you can deal with a real estate company, you can deal with anyone including your own annoying self.

These are the companies that make you thank your choice of professions, pushy bankers, huge Word documents, tedious typos and coughing printers. Because you could have, in a different birth (I am Hindu) been working for a real estate company.

Anyway in recent drafting session, left-lead banker exchanged souls with post-issue banker and underwriters counsel also had big identity crisis and thought it was company counsel with fetching pending data like e-mails of bankers to the company (circulating items more micro than cheap clothes some women in Nach Baliye wear); then CFO became auditor and started giving comfort letters as if he was autographing accounts. Auditor became like compliance department of bulge bracket bank and kept commenting on fine drafting points of MoU coz some Idiot Lawyer marked him also on mails and we are all coded to reply to emails if any one receipient has replied. Towards the end, everyone got into a commenting fury till I realized I was commenting on my own draft, that too aggressively making rude remarks, scratching a whole page and writing "JUSTIFY" [mean to be formatting but hoped some suckers would wonder if it meant explain]

Anyway now I do not know what to do. Now that auditor is officially in loop we cannot reply on him to buy time. And by the way, ad agency guys is sending sharp comments on timings mentioned in Issue Procedure.

All this is too much. They say I should get married but like a good portfolio company I want to wait, get a better valuation and then float myself like a cruiser.

Keep reading.

Auditor scrap

2007-11-28T00:44:00.000-08:00

This auditor is suddenly turning over-friendly. He sent me a sms about my nice ring tone and then I saw he added me as a friend in Orkut.
He is about 43 years old or so which is too-much I mean if he was a 24 year old girl it was different. Anyway so I was hoping he has not scrapped me but when I logged in again in Orkut there was his scrap with his photo in a checked office shirt saying "What sort of comfort can I give you?" as if auditor comfort letter can be unilaterally negotiated by me that too over website.
So I deleted his scrap.
Anyway, auditors are the last resort of the truly desperate working group. If blaming the lawyers fail, and then blaming the company fails, and then blaming the experts and the ILC fails (though ILC give little scope for all-this), and one day is left before accounts turn stale then the secret handshake among the warring factions is to point Blackberry-worn fingers at the auditor. How long he took if auditing, etc and to make a good hedge for this negotiations with auditor start really late, like how a quarrelsome crew in an ocean liner would toss a safety boat into a roaring sea at the first sign of sinking.
Anyway I need to get to work and so many spies are there at work, that too in my office, that sometimes I feel we should open a detective agency and serve nice biscuits at the meeting and nice coffee also to clients.

Reasons I survive

2007-11-21T23:25:00.000-08:00

Life is troubling me more than usual. When I am under the flyover and quickly sneak to buy carrots coz they are cheaper and anyway auto is stagnant in traffic jam, I have started thinking of how shrewd I am and how I will make senior associate in one year's time and sit like purple royalty reviewing stuff for the very important State business work. Sometimes I suspect my firm is in-house counsel for the Government but what the fuck it's the best firm so what the hell and it treats its men well with separate loos and all and drop-back facility at night when it is unsafe.

These are complaints I like to flash when I need some more time on Orkut but need the bonus also:

I was cut out by the team senior/other team members: This means I can choose to not work through the deal and only hyperventilate on a few select issues and loudly; not take any initiative or apply my mind to issues- and still emerge self-righteous and also stain the workers in the bargain. When I know the team leader is working too hard, this is my favourite.

I was micromanaged: This is a sub-set of the earlier. Except that it imputes less mala fide on the team leader/others so this means they will not approach my whine with an organized approach. This fools them into thinking I like to think of their benefit- how they can delegate more and sleep easy and also tweak the ego by implying some tasks are too low for them. Ofcourse the deal is that I HAVEN'T performed though the reason is I was micromanaged but nooone thinks of that. Even if they do, the word "micromanage" has a cool ring to it, a little like "value-addition."

I know more: This is tricky and can only work on the Approvals chapter of a travel company as I have done 3 such. I am a specialist in the Approvals section of travel companies. So the review is for the sake of spending ink, and the law is a secret that is unfolded to me first, like Japan and the sun.

I was yelled at: This has potential but then there is too much curiosity to know WHY I was yelled at. It is like drinking the bathwater and throwing the baby also. Coz before the issue of "yelling/being rude is bad- all must behave like host-boys/geishas come what may", there is a preliminary issue out of cheap curiosity is: WHY were you yelled at? Then a coming-out ceremony is forced to take place and the complain basically reads: despite, however, nonetheless.

There are 4-5 others but also but

Taking the plunge!

2007-10-15T22:29:00.000-07:00

I am planning to take the plunge and straighten my hair.

Circular

2007-10-11T04:10:00.000-07:00

Today I was just humming some English song softly and some senior bitch crept behind me and said hey I saw your draft why do you use circular definitions?
I was like what is that some sort of blush-on or rouge for your stupid face or what to give some cheekbones (I have good face structure like Dhoni by the way)
So she's like see stabbing a thumb on a page to which I said oh-ok which I meant you must be really bored to have these type of changes. Why is it wrong anyway?

EGM	Extraordinary General Meeting

yeh filing nahin ho saktee

2007-10-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

This Very Young Associate from The Other Firm called me saying he is so happy with his work and all so I said dude it is 11 pm are you on some sort of substance you are calling me at this hour on a Tuesday that too to unbitch.
Anyway when company was changing its mind about everything including KMP salaries and issue size like a US teenage girl before a prom, and we had to file or wait for 6 months due to accounts (and lose face also) this Very Young Associate like the little boy in the crowd who called out in the Emperor's New Clothes (see how well-read I am?) said "this filing cannot happen. Too much is left."
Everyone protested that it can wtf when they all knew in their hearts there would be no filing. We carried on working waiting for some bakra in the group to say let's snap the laptops shut it's obvious this won't happen.
Why should I say, like the younger sister of a brother-in-law arbitly saying "yeh shaadi nahin ho saktee" for marriage of girl from another family.
So anyway we worked till 3 am like soldiers of a losing army and then at the first snap of a laptop the other laptops snapped like dominos and we went home with long faces hoping somone would suggest a beer party.

HarleyD Girl_80@gmail.com

2007-10-05T04:31:00.001-07:00

Today I made a small error. In shaving I had cut myself so I was distracted hoping the nick goes away else I have to apply coconut oil or something women use post-pregnancy to erase stretch mark.
And New Girl Associate behind was humming loudly to attract my attention to herself that too some old non-cheap sort of song about a lamp dying for lack of kerosense, moths and all.

Anyway I ended up sending Australian client some mail from my Gmail account not realizing I was Orkutting also so this was from Gmail ID made by a wannabe-girlfriend and she signed me for Gmail as "HarleyD Girl_80@gmail.com"
Now if I send mass KINDLY IGNORE LAST MAIL message I know that everyone marked will drop everything else and read THAT mail
In fact best way to get your mail read is to send it as KINDLY IGNORE and then that can contain a cool text like
Now that you are finally reading my e-mail, please note that my comments have not been incorporated in BRLMs MoU. I had sent these late last week... [whine]

Anyway now I am hoping they think it is my secretary's ID why would decent Indian boy with a serious job do all-this on Gmail. Fuck I am a little nervous though for first time or maybe second or third in my life.

2007-10-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

PR manager of some company that's going to list soon but hasn't filed DRHP wants to advertise a little bit. Now fuckers that is fine coz it's past practice was also to advertise a little bit and all hush about IPO and all. It is like circulating a 18 year old girl in marriage parties knowing that it is implied and all know that the family is looking to dilute family equity but are not open about it as yet.
Now what I did while making hand-written comments on the draft advertisement which showed hills, and houses and swings and all which I then scanned and sent is this:

I added few birds in the sky with a few deft stokes of the Mont Blanc pen (gifted as some sort of dowry by my cousin-brother's wife's cousin-brother.)

I am feeling now a little nervous coz I hope they don't spot pen strokes and ask a question in which case I can say that is a SEBI loophole in market these three birds drawn at an obtuse angle in left corner of sky in advertisement is secret symbol that IPO is coming.

Heehee.

But I would rather not talk to advertising guys coz I have heard they wear different type of clothes and are a little that-sort.

Bye, and feel good about Gandhi. If he had not led the country into freedom, soem foreign firms atleast Tin Circle ones would be hiring us as lawyers in separate rooms doing lawyers work but paralegals pay that too in Trichoor.

Back-ups

2007-09-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

I am back after an expensive holiday in Rishikesh where I white-water rafted and also secretly visited the temples at night.
Anyway now I am so stacked with work that to buy time I have started asking clients for all sorts of back-ups e.g. education certificate of the architect whose quote is stuck on objects section and also his family chart to do a random check on related party transactions.
Also I have started telling them things like boss at this rate the SEBI cover letter will be thicker than the DRHP so better get those back-ups.
Also when I caught the Company Secretary guy alone (door was open obviously) I said sir if preferable in KPM section also put star signs of the personnel and cited some precedent which had so many initials and that too out of South India that he would not check. South India rang the Purvankara alarm bell and I said see sun signs and all just add the good vibes you know. Then he said OK tell left side bankers to arrange prints of DRHP for SEBI submission in some sort of light orange Ganeshji imprint cool wedding card type stationery. I said OK let me see if I can start some sort of trend.
Bye and keep reading. I know you love it.

This and that for idle readers

2007-08-31T02:40:00.000-07:00

Some law firm has decided to carry the Blackberry dispensation too far. One Orkut-girl interning there got a Blackberry. She was saying what fun playing Bricklayer and all then I realized she got Blackberry coz she was made to pose as senior associate which meant she was trained in orientation to not make notes furiously on notepad while discussion was going on as freshers do as if it is the lecture of a star-professor.

Anyway this Orkut-girl has now added me as fan to her Orkut but now I am insecure about being seen so much on Orkut coz it shows noone from my class has invited me to Facebook which has arrived in India after it has lost cliquey popularity in US which it had around 2004. Don't know when Friendster will arrive- the Original social networking "tool" of 2003 which has now been replaced by MySpace etc. See how cool I am to know about American trends in fact I am doing 2-3 Overseas Direct Investment deals also ofcourse those are tiny companies but good for glamour value but wish they were not of drainage pipes and other contraction-type of things but in entertainment, online space instead. Note use of space as cool adjective used by VC types to say we are too smart to understand this industry it's just numbers anyway which are fungible.
I am rambling so you must be severely underemployed to be reading this that too on Friday evening when everyone is free and wild enough to officially get online and chat without feeling so much guilty.

Thoughtfully yours and kind regards

2007-08-28T08:22:00.000-07:00

I am reading Wind in the Willows after years. Childhood is so precious-guavas trees, marbles, kites, Doordarshan, Gems, birthday balloons and video parlours.

Let us not forget the child in us. I mean not like imagining dudes like me are pregnant but you get the drift.

Separately, I cannot publish certain comments which identify people too closely. It takes away from the harmless humour of this writing. I have been getting comments on a certain public policy team for instance, and while a few notes are fine, the boderline between malice and Nobel Prize-worthy legal writing is clear like summer skies in a desert afternoon. Please do not deprive me of the Nobel Prize for Literature or my place atleast as a footnote of a Legal South-East Asia 2500.

Read on

2007-08-27T23:28:00.000-07:00

So drafting session got cancelled coz promoters wanted to celebrate rakhi [they are brother-sister founders of notebook company]
Thing is, I am hearing some sort of conversions are going on inNLS type places. Someone is converting to Islam, some to homosexuality, and some are returning to their comfortable alcoves deep within the velvet closet.
Now I should also convert. Best thing would be to convert Euro to dollars and rupees hee hee.
Some pimple above my mouth is not going away. If it continues for more than a week I will visit Kaya Skin Clinic and take a neice along so if I am caught people will think I am accompanying her coz she is shy of doctor and all. Bye.

Rakhi

2007-08-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

Rakhi is coming and on same day one drafting session is there to discuss Objects of the Issue. Now everyone knows companies do IPOs to be known and read about by friends and neighbours. Atleast that is the psychological impulse. Just like why some people blog.
Anyway scare is that one banker says too much "you are like my brother, yaar, " poking me everytime in different place so next time he says that there is suspense re where he will poke.
So am just hoping you know he does not give me rakhi or worse still a 1992-3 type "friendship band" Already I have to spend so much time housecleaning Orkut coz he could message also any time like "nice pic" "hey am in Delhi today- want to catch up?"
Why can't he just send me sms, anyway so what is the "general corporate purpose" anyway ECB Guidelines says you can't take loan for that some banker was asking for "legal definition" of general corporate purpose so I said there is none and here is what I think and I am your lawyer so from me it become legal definition.
Bye fuckers bitch about yourselves to your own self-it is some sort of meditation.

Rival Firm Girl Lawyer

2007-08-17T01:36:00.000-07:00

I asked some girl of Rival Firm why she was not happily-marrried yet so she said, "Oh I have become like Delhi office of your firm: it's easy to hire guys but tough to retain."
So then I took out my phone and pretended to check for client sms'es coz I felt so uncomfortable hearing such cheap sort of talk from a girl. I

also had to tell her I was not interested coz anygirl so frank means she is trying to show interes so I said, "Yeah these days I am so busy I have no time."

She is like, yeah and boasted of how she was busier. But I see her Orkut scraps at like 1 pm then 3:40 pm then 5 pm on working days.

When I was about to comment romatically about India Gate and its charms to show she was just a woman and sexualize the conversation, she said in sing-song voice: "But isn't it true most work is in Bombay office for you-guys, not in Delhi anymore?"

I just replied by flashing my iPod Nano (unfortunately that idiot website I bought from sent it in pink].

To make the victory more pronounced, some banker called [I had given him missed call slyly] about complex Objects of the Issue stuff you know, I said yeah-yeah and this-that, and that company has appraisals so you gotta put that in coz of DIP and what-not, and by the time we were under the crowder flyover, I had also said yaar 4-5 times to establish proximity with the banker.

But now I fear this Brijesh banker will get too over-friendly and pat me and all in drafting sessions and then say let's meet for drinks like just him and me what the fuck.

Anyway so I basically won.

Thought for the day

2007-08-15T00:40:00.000-07:00

Today I want to be beside a campfire, getting a foot massage by a boy or girl whatever who the fuck cares. Peach lotion, aromatherapy, a Mills & Boon.

Maybe reading a red, which is a cool way of saying some sort of prospectus before liablity kicks off.

It is a 19.2(b) IPO which basically means using a specific template and changing a couple of things. This is complex stuff not like add a drag-along here, cut a tag-along there and make a circus over like 10 pages of some FEMA regs worded as simply as Enid Blyton's Noddy.

Oh, and 2-3 bankers are there in the drafting session who don' t use enough hair gel and keep smiling at each other as if they have just seen a lacy bra strap of the safari suit of company-counsel Girish Sir.

Philosophy

2007-08-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

I wish I could just drive a jeep into the sea. I mean not ALONG the sea= the coast/beach. But INTO meaning inside the sea.
I wish I didn't have to teach you guys prepositions through this blog. You really ought to improve your grammar, you know, beeches, saying sir-sir and pretending you are in army camp can only get you so far.
Anyway, I want to drive into the sea and then melt into the waves.
Nooone will miss me except family and friends and fans and ex-fans and clients and Orkut buddies and Airtel maybe and ex-friends... Fuck thats quite a list.

Promoters

2007-08-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes ego can be self-defeating. Like an idiot Agarwal-Ahuja type of client who sits on the second floor of Sarita Vihar, CEO of some construction company and his wife Aunty Binadevi is CFO and some cousins are fighting to be named promoter.
Promoter bannao promoter bannao as if they will tear that page from prospectus and frame it on the walls behind the rows of ivory elephants and bronze Natarajas on display.

Not knowing being identified as promoter jails your shares and potentioally yourself also.
Anyway I ended the fight by clapping like a school sports teacher (the 24 year old women types who are basically just waiting to get married) and saying OK enough. The eldest 3 from Binadevi's side of the family also get the prospectus-title of promoter

Suddenly everyone was quiet and I thought things would change and noise would start but they remained quiet as if I had charmed them.

Then I noticed that my shirt was quite nice on way back. Light blue with only a mild suggestion of a vest inside. I need to find vests which won't reveal the contours it looks too unposh especially when the Brahmin thread shows.

Unwell

2007-07-26T20:57:00.000-07:00

I have been a little unwell often.
I can't say I have fallen sick as it is not dramatic or even doctor-prescription worthy.
It is a dilemna then to pull into work or stay in. I mean I would love to show up at work with measles but this is not even that fun.
See how diligent I am. Hug Almost-Senior Associate with his stubble reminding me the hug wasn't needed. I have chicken-pox and I am here.
Bye fuckers.

Song by a 24 year old

2007-07-21T04:41:00.001-07:00

There is no where to go and nothing to do apart from work. I find no girl pretty enough to consider and as for boys some are good but their hairstyles are either too fashionable like a porcupine has decided to permanently reside on their skull or then too old-fashioned with middle parting like Amitabh anyway what do I care about guys they can fuck off.

Here is a song that suits my situation (of having no decent hang out joint, in case you have problems connecting contexts):-

I'm too old for Elevate
Too young for satsang
I think I'm just right for
Nehru Place.

Diet

2007-07-20T02:54:00.001-07:00

I am on a secret diet. It seems too pansy-type to like, say, oh-I am dieting. It is like fasting to get a good wife (which I only did once or maybe max twice-thrice) coz I don't want to be paying alimony and for her brother's foreign education and what not.
Anyway now I am hungry so I will eat an orange and also arrange some biscuits around the desk by throwing them loosely on the table. That way noone will suspect.

Intrigue

2007-07-14T03:21:00.000-07:00

Call me. You know who you are.

[Fuckers, keep guessing who this while you pretend to work.]

By the way isn't there something romantic about the term "press note?" Like those pigeons would deliver before Orkut scraps were invented?

Elle

2007-07-09T03:00:00.001-07:00

So far I had only been overhearing that some lawyer-boys in office have been getting expensive facials.

Finally there was some sort of competition for the most expensive facial today at lunch. I lost by only Rs. 150 but in a way I won coz I have mentioned earlier that my barber is a foreigner.

2007-07-07T12:58:00.000-07:00

Look what I found
While looking around
For the master circular (july, annual)
And the weighlifter's stash-
The FEMA manual

--------------------
Break Up Poem

Forget the trouble
You are not worth
Even the receipt
Of a one-way
Metro card
Fake as a Fendi
In Chinatown
Cheap as a village
Prom gown
You are not
The guy I once
Sort-of loved

A College-Boy

2007-07-06T02:58:00.000-07:00

Some new boy from my law college has joined and he finds excuses to come and talk to me. I am quite uncomfortable with all-this so when he comes to me next I will tell him I have a girlfriend or something.
It's high time I found a girlfriend even if just for a few weeks. I am beginning to fear I will be seen as someone who can't find a girlfriend as opposed to doesn't have a girlfriend.
This is increasing my stress levels and I saw my comb had five extra hairs than usual in the morning. I am storing them in a turquoise blue box so when the time arrives I can weave them back. Atleast I am blessed with foresight.

Questions

2007-07-02T01:08:00.000-07:00

I am in a bad mood and it is time to invest in unpopularity. I have framed a list of questions that will irritate people in the Fraternity/Sorority. Please note same is made sector-wise and kind regards.

Tax People: Isn't it better to have done a CA degree? And Big 4 is better work no?

Capital Markets (i.e. us hee hee) People: Isn't is basically one giant DD? Aren't the underwriting agreements and other agreements all just templates and you change logos, names and numbers?

Litigation People: What do you do in the many months in which courts are closed?

Projects/Infrastructure People: But where is the law element in this? Isn't it all just common-sense (and patience coz documents are so long.)

Financing People: If you've done one, you've done them all, no? Plus isn't most of foreign lending really FEMA-compliance?

M&A People: What is the deal size?

Bad at maths

2007-06-30T06:28:00.001-07:00

Some girl has started showing too much interest in me. But I know her brother thinks I became lawyer coz I was bad at maths.

And her scrap book is too active. Some Roderigo Antonio type leaves a scrap then I went to his scrap coz his photo was nice and there I caught this girl RETURNING their scraps with words like LOL and :-)DDD and what not.

Anyway I told her if I wanted to study maths I could have but I wanted to do something more aggressive than just chewing numbers. She does not know that I have only a desk-job and I know MS Word so well it is almost shameful like Rosie the typist only my nails are not red only manicured a bit that too from posh GK salon with foreign barber.

Barely Legal

2007-06-26T00:34:00.001-07:00

Just imagine some Marwari uncle from Dubai wants to list his porn company. So at kick-off meeting I was sent for, as usual over hot samosas (which were as usual stuffed in my mouth the moment a bitchy banker-woman in suit-boot asked a question on 2.2.1 v. 2.2.2 of DIP Guidelines)

Like always sipping machine-tea served in ceramic glasses as if it is so classy I impressed them with 2-3 hyper-technical points like comfort letters, stub period (sounds like womens' advertising come to think of it- fuck) and FEMA the usual bouquet of things you say to make the client fear you and think his future depends on you oh and not to forget Management Information Systems also I said and some other usual things. I usually save SEBI Standard Obs for later this much is enough in kick-off.

Anyway when I came back my boss was like what is all-this, you should have told them they cannot float IPOs We have not even accepted mandate/contract and you are attending kick-offs and what not just to do DD or what.

So I sent Agarwal Uncle a witty "porn sector is barely legal mail" to cover up for my going on kick-off meeting without even them signing up as clients.

Anyway now I am working so hard that I am recording the numbers of the consents down to the minutest detail and also name of approving officer(V. Prasad etc.) so just imagine how well I managed damage-control.

Librarian

2007-06-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

A partner of the other team has been promoted to a librarian. That way he will be busier than he was- atleast he will be more useful.
Apparently he is stamping books with his teeth to save money for ink. That is his latest trick to butter.
Now if you see the library stuff with homo-porn don't blame the firm.

He is off

2007-06-04T01:51:00.000-07:00

I have got to know that the bugger who sits in the opposite cubicles (the Same Level Associate with sweaty palms-don't ask me how I know re palms OK) well he is off to do some LLM in UK
When he will publicly declare I dont know but it is too much just watching him call friends for dorm rates what courses to choose and what not.
If he tells in advance atleast firm can hire someone to substitute him why give them a shock or actually pleasant surprise in his case hee hee hee.
I don't talk to him at all coz he knows I dislike him and it is odd when I go for smoke and see only him there coz then I have to arrange myself in a spot where it is not too close so I am forced to talk about cricket and bonuses and all or not too far as if I am shy from him. Best is to look very in-your-own-world that way he will not expect any sort of socializing from me. Anyway he has sweaty palms it is too much at times but then there is only so much you can blog about.

Dude

2007-05-30T01:01:00.000-07:00

One girl-lawyer thinks she is a MTV VJ. I think I will tell her you look so manly we should just called you Vijay. But then she will slap me.
Anyway so today she was like so dude, etc etc Now when a girl calls a guy dude you know that behind the back she bitches about him. Mathematically flipping the axiom over like a Sagar dosa, if some girl does not bitch about you it is also very likely that she does not call you dude.
(I know some of you have not understood it but you then you may as well pretend you do and smile)
Once more this girl-lawyer VJ-woman calls me dude and just see I will start calling HER dude and that girls hate I know. Saw how sly I am?

The best days

2007-05-26T04:27:00.000-07:00

I realized that these are probably the best days of my life. I'm young with no other responsibilities apart from work and have freedom which I can theoretically exercise
The best days of my life/Things will only get worse and life more complicated:
This thought is alarming and swear-provoking.
It applies to you too fuckers so stop laughing. In some years the TC girls will call you Uncle if they don't already and if you happen to be with a cool girl they will assume you have picked-up.

Junior girl-lawyers

2007-05-24T00:17:00.000-07:00

Junior girl-lawyers are tricky. For them I have to throw in arbit-Fab India type shirts that are borderline gay and maybe a silver necklace once in a while. I also have to constantly be Orkut-vigilant and keep deleting scaps which make me uncool like some line in Hindi dropped by an undersocialized school-friend about drinks, or liking men or something they think funny. I also have to do design my Orkut friend list in the optimal way so it looks like I have the optimal selection of qualified girls-boys, good lookers, college friends, work friends, rock band types, 2-3 IIT people, some in US/London, some party-types. I may need to hire a secretary for all-this. Also downloading the right songs and playing them, talking about them- very important for the younger set. With dudes, just liking Pink Floyd is fine and not touching them too much I avoid that these days.

Cars

2007-05-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

I am thinking of getting a new car-something bigger, and more expensive. I think Swift is for girls and Zen is very 1990s Marutis are vintage Ambassadors are best for me to pretend I have never heard of then those jeep-like cars can fuck off coz I am not starring in some Thumbs Up toofaani thanda ad what else is there I have to go and see.

2007-05-17T04:08:00.000-07:00

Some people say this blog is getting less funny. I will retaliate like a true jerk and say your sense of humour is going to the dogs.
Anyway one girl-intern likes me coz whenever I smile at her she smiles back. Anyway how do I care. I just don't care. She may join, she may join. Anyway now she is asking me out. Actually I only told her want to go for dinner and she was like OK fine whatever.
Anyway now she thinks I am a mentor and comes to me for advice on starting sals at competing firms etc and she does not realize I use her to get info of starting sals as much as she uses me coz I am also so curious or rather "aware." So she is like, should I accept the offer. I was like there is no offer but she is like IF I get an PPO. I was like we will talk then when you do. Am I am fool sitting in some firm where some intern can take for granted she will get PPO.
Bye for now. Enjoy your lame lives.

Weighted smiling

2007-05-12T02:55:00.000-07:00

OK today I smiled at 2 people I did not like atleast 4 times. That's 8 smiles. I aim to move this number to 16 with weighted averages. So if I don't like this idiot-girl at all then her mutliple is 3 so a smile to her equals 3 smiles so if I smile at her 4 times I'm already on 12 points.
If you factor in conversation then the forumla gets more complex. A conversation=2 smiles.
So if I have 2 conversations with idiot-girl then its' 2*3*2= 12 smiles.
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Readers:
I am sure you are intelligent enough to figure that this is not autobiographical. If you are not then maybe you need some IQ puzzle books and all to improve your brains a little.

Do you?

2007-05-09T22:44:00.000-07:00

Do you have some gossip to share about your firm or someone else's? Send me stories identifying the firm and the situation. bshareen@gmail.com
Don't forget your credit card number.
Today Female Boss has put so much perfume I think she must be going to meet some very important Ministry. When meeting firangs she normally does not smell like a garland of roses. She laughs more, is freers. In the Ministry, she behaves very sober coz she is a woman like a respectful nayee bahu. Else they will think she is loose and client will get affected.

Club or something

2007-05-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

Today I went to some cool dance bar called Elevate. Only there you don't have to throw notes to make them dance I mean if you look cool and think and if you have a work shirt with collar up and hair also up like you had one electric shock then you can just be the king man.
But it had a sad end coz after I observed all this and realized it was free then two-three girls were dancing on their own like they show in those cheap videos so I sort of inserted myself like a Mailmerge but they pushed me with their elbows dug so deep I had to scream.

Offline

2007-05-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

I sometimes think I am a regular girl trapped in the immensely attractive body of a well-groomed Indian man.
Who do you think you are?

Room-mate

2007-05-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

Some girl I know is looking for a room-mate. I thought she was hinting I start living in with her but she was like Girls Only. E-mail me bshareen@gmail.com.

Thoughts on a Sunday

2007-04-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think work is an orgy in the dark. You don't know who is getting screwed by whom.
Fuck is it whom or who? I hate poor grammar only excuse is tight timelines and all so you can get away putting half things in capitalized which you haven't even defined and other things in capitalized which you will never ever use (like Arre Anurag Srivastav from your batch- unless you SAY he is Ramu noone will know. So you have to put Ramu in brackets.)
Anyway bye for now fuckers go make someone else's life miserable, mine rocks bigtime. Two girls from Orkut who I met in T.C. sent me text messages and OK one was like a mass message but still. Better than getting 80% of your messages from fucking Airtel.
PS- I got to know people from Big 4 read this blog. We don't really think you exist except as one font 10 sized term sheet of Commercial Understanding. So don't act smart at meetings and pretend you have eaten cooler samosas with falafel and all foreign food stuffed inside. I'm more of a Dilli Haat kind of guy and I also write poetry. In fact this weekend I read (other than some Documents) the Humble Admistrator's Garden by Vikram Seth. The book is shaped like Mappings also by Vikram Seth. I mean, same size, font, general drift-it's a precedent almost. He talk of fish meandering among driftwood and how winter rain presses dust into earth. I love him and if I had a sister I would marry her to him. OK now read my poetry and feel intellectual:

Outside is calm
Calm is a word
Calm like the sea
Or the sky
But how serene is the
Restless foam
And the sky
So alone
Calm is a word
And the hollow inside a dead tree
Bleeds ants
And architecture
Also was made
By struggling men
Brick on sweltering brick
Again and again
So calm is a word
A cup of tea
An Agatha Christie mystery
A road bend
A perfectly crafted
DRHP document
Calm is a melody
But how tired must be those notes
(Like dancers forced to perform)
While the listener gloats
Calm is a word
And the fish that rest
Their breasts pressed to watery nests
Will streak the pond`
In a second
You're not surprised
For you have heard
Calm is a four letter word.

He Man

2007-04-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

Some girl was like Hey you played with HeMan when you were small?
So I go, no babes I am more of a G I Joe kind of guy.
Then she's like, so what video game is your favorite? I like Mario Brothers.
I know she's trying to be cool coz actually she can play Minesweeper [that's what she does while she isn't poking into her co-associate's work like a ferret] so I go: my favorite is and then I'm thinking fuck I don't know the cool new games. Fuck.
So I am like- I don't enjoy video games. I just like you know, and I stopped. And pretended to get distracted and said Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey like the cool dudes say Nice Earrings.
And then she starts shuffling all the paper [for Approvals Section] and says Thanks wanna borrow?
I said sure you want to borrow my shirt? I can also lend you know and slipped away from her Opium-perfumed cubicle like a bad memory.

Mausi recco

2007-04-22T02:08:00.000-07:00

One associate from a big school in a big city was acting too cool with me. So when he left the table and then obviously he became the topic of the table I said, "He's great fun to work with, as long as he isn' t given a deadline."
This is what I call a Mausi-recco. Like the one given to Mausi of Sholay by Amitabh. A recommendation in bad faith, colored as an affectionate remark.
I am soon practicing to become the kind of Mausi reccos. Yeah he is good-looking especially when in college, like, he hadn't put on so much stress on his face then you know. Why am I talking about guy-looks, fuckers anyway just go finish your deadlines instead of wasting time here and then complaining that you have to work for so long. Suckers.

New girl

2007-04-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

A new associate-girl is trying to act smart with me. I just ignore her in the corridors and smile at her in a ratio of1:5. Today I smiled at her twice so now I have to see her 8 times and not smile.
There is no other decent way to deal with all-this, I am telling you.

Work

2007-04-19T05:11:00.000-07:00

The sea in the retreat is still singing in my ears. (That's how poetic I feel after finishing reviewing a shareholders' agreement of 3 Sindhi brothers for a brick-kiln company)
Soon they will start advertising justified as a strategy to to build up some glamour before the IPO and also to know some media people for Filmfare Awards passes.
In fact this client is most pro-active. He sends us associates sandwiches and vada paavs and all through the night, and also sent 2-3 stenos to help us format the document.
So basically we have no excuse coz usually the excuse is formatting na, documents getting corrupted and what not. These stenos do not work and are basically spies. One thin steno in the checkered shirt looks at me a little too much Ok and I am trying to draft Risks section hoping he will just leave me alone what have I done wearing such decent clothes and not even laughing-giggling too much

Back

2007-04-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

Hi fuckers. I'm back after playing mindgames with y'all bitches. Yeah yeah yeah.
See I have also become cooler- way cooler fuckers.
The only problem is that the next retreat will be in some vague place in Nainital and it looks like (or to sound posher: apparently-see I have been brushing my English fuckers) Himesh Reshmaiyya has already been invited for a show.
Anyhow 2-3 girls in my colony have asked me how to get internships. This is too much, they didn't even play Holi with me last year like I was some sort of loafer.
(I'm not even that important or don't have locus as the NLS fucks would say) so I just said "we are not hiring now" like they were taxis or something coz otherwise they would feel I was not cool if I could not get them in and be some Jack or some slang they use. It is a meritocracy anyway.

Whites

2007-03-25T05:15:00.000-07:00

Today again Girl Associate was praising random white guys. So I was like why what's even so great in them after all. She said they're "generally better" so I said OK fine your choice and looked at her as if I really cared about her reply.
Soon the boss came and I thought I will ask her again so the boss also hears (after all he is also Indian na) and cut her bonus also but by then she had already left and was at other end of the room drinking coffee and laughing with some other girl, probably being teased with me what else.

Friday plan

2007-03-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

What will I do on Friday? I'll Google you'all fuckers what else.

Happy Housewife

Shutting Shop

Internet-Aunty Update (Suspicious)

Internet-Aunty

A Mandate Song

Dasvidaniya

Bonds

Sunil Shetty Girls

They Can

A Shop Called Posto

Brijesh Update

Brijesh-Banker

A Difficult Situation

Room Mate

Last Week of September

A Product

Superior Quality Writing for my Fine Readers

Attrition

Sunday Stories

Nice

Like

Tinkle

Single Sundays- Tips

Bad Poetry for the Very Bored

An Irrelevant Song

Girl-Associate

Cosmopolitan-Type Post

Slapping Girl-Associate

How Intellectual I Am

Why You Are Probably Less Complex Than Me (I?)

Random

WorkinProgressDraft

Your Quota of Serious Reading

This and That

Worm

Fight

More poetry on Sea (Not Downloaded From Net)

Internally Reviewed

Found in Translation

Deviation

Freud

Ready Manual for Ahuja-Type Clients

Party

rumour

Talking again

Upset

Working Hardt

Linguist

Drafting session

Drafting session

Reply All

So many things, so little time

Showing off my English little-bit

Auditor scrap

Reasons I survive

Taking the plunge!

Circular

yeh filing nahin ho saktee

HarleyD Girl_80@gmail.com

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Back-ups

This and that for idle readers

Thoughtfully yours and kind regards

Read on

Rakhi

Rival Firm Girl Lawyer

Thought for the day

Philosophy

Promoters

Unwell

Song by a 24 year old

Diet

Intrigue

Elle

A College-Boy

Questions

Bad at maths

Barely Legal

Librarian

He is off