Friday, August 29, 2008

Single Sundays- Tips

One problem of a dude like me who's single (by choice obviously) is how to show I have a Life.
These are my tricks and tips, just so you can appreciate my raw intelligence if nothing else. Once again, women, I do not like getting mails which are disguised proposals. And if you have sent such a mail then atleast send a follow-up mail saying "a friend hacked into my acocunt and sent it." Disguised desparation can be effectively redeemed by deliberate self-effacement.
Now that I have by the aforementioned sentence convinced you of my good-English I can be confident enough to say following things for your kind perusal:

1. I try to catch a late weekday movie. Don't talk about it till Monday. Then on Monday I am like, dude, have you seen Dark Knight? as if I went with friends and saw it on Saturday. Only catch is this secret-weekday movie has to be English and not chick-flick type. You cannot initiate a conversation re Singh is King. If someone else does so, that too if that person is cooler than you, then you can make a quick judgment and leap in later.

2. I try to mention the word "a friend" a lot. Like, a friend told me to try out this place in Sarita Vihar. Yeah, Sarita Vihar. It's not an upscale place so the words "Sarita Vihar" should be mentioned with an orangy twist, almost like you a a thin white tourist in shorts walking around arbit road temples in India.

3. I pick a resturant. Say Tabula Rasa. Ask "have you been to Tabula Rasa?" If the person is over-cool then "have you been to Tabula Rasa lately?"
Chances are he or she will say no. Then you can
a. either say "neither have I- some friends are dragging me along next week" Ref to 2 above. Plus the next week-deadline, makes sure others forget soon. So that way there are no follow-ups. Or
b. if really pushed to it, I say I have been then Sunday and hated it or loved it and focus more on your experience than the place.

If someone says yes they have visited the place then look I very bored, almost intellectual, and then I say something generic like it's overrated.

4. I don't reply to Orkut scraps for atleast 32 hours. Facebook- 24 hours.

5. I have learnt 4-5 exotic food items. Not too exotic; the foi gras and lemongrass variety. That way you can mix and match food with places. Don't try this with drinks if you are a dude. Leave that for wannabe girls, the fast kinds who are on with "Posted by Self" profiles. It's undudesy to be discussing Cosmopolitans and Lichi Martinins and all. Wines are too old-men whiskey too expensive and anyway if you want to show you are American-type it's bourbon so it's too compliancated. So stick to food and good beer.

6. if you were on an arranged marriage road-show, don't tell people. They will ask you follow-up questions and if it doesn't work out they will assume it is coz girl's dad didn't like your smile.

7. Never be foolish enough to ask someone "how was your weekend?" unless you have a smart story to tell about yours.

Bye. Have a good weekend. Hee hee.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Bad Poetry for the Very Bored

Today water has melted into water

An artist is just a fancier potter

And if this poem lapses

In quality collpases

Just when you thought

It could not get any worse

Here is some more idle verse

Take a ladies' purse

This is a sign

That I cannot write

Any more rhyme

So log off

And do not return


To forget this space

Get sentimental

Think of old letters old lace

This will go

Without a trace

I think I am fine

Maybe I've drunk

Too much wine

Thursday, August 21, 2008

An Irrelevant Song

Like the points some people raise (esp Advert Agency Guy commenting on Issue Procedure), this song is irrelevant and a non-issue.
But anyway.

A quick rhyme for the Times

If I Go
[clap with wannabe head-banging; an electronic guitar]

If I ever leave the Firm
Will associates weep
Will flowers flow
Sweet like soulful songs on sites

Will I have to settle
A law suit
Or just settle for
Something cute
Like a toy-bell

Or will someone
Shoot my photo
(With spiky hair, in an expensive chair, looking thin and looking fair)
And splash it and cash it
As gossip news! For industry views!
Pretty girls will deduce
While pretending to DD
If I was made an offer
That would make anyone greedy?
Or maybe I found the office-place
Like, way uncool and DDD s33DY
Older men and older ladies
Who actually remember the 80s
Will unwind themotives, the future of the profession
In a disguised girly gossip session
Will associates be free of tension
Will some turn labour union leader
And claim pension

[Garish girls and and bitchy boys
I will be glad for their glad joys]

Will I be a losing recruiter's muse
Will some confuse
My going for the Firm's
For the market's faith
In Indians, in men, and will some for fun
Say things like
When will Local Firms learn?
Shifting the onus
For a better bonus...

Will most feel glad
And say with
Empty coffee cups
Like bored pups
I was mostly bad
Just a fad
A handsome lad

If I go
Will They chatter
Like I actually matter
Or will my inbox be just
Of Orkut scraps
Saved from auditors
Comfort letters
The circling drum
In an inapporpriate forum?
Will some let
Their sweet upset
Like old velvet

If I go
Will I turn
Will I
Ever return
And when I do
I hope as you do
That I look as young
After stacks of RHPs
Are strung
After a thousand WG mails are spun
After Risque songs are sung
Yes I hope
I look as young

Chorus [In a wannabe-Amercian accent]
I look as young
I look as young
[In a wannabe-posh UK accent]
I look as young
I look as young

Monday, August 11, 2008


Slapping Girl-Associate who thinks she is superior because she is from Calcutta where school children are forced to speak in English even in tiffin-breaks and has read a few English story-books set in the European Victorian era is writing a thesis on Happy Associate.

I caught an extract of the thesis in a print of an e-mail roughly mapping out the thought.

"...This fortifies my theory that any answer other than "I don't know" is acceptable in the chom [north indian] male sub-culture and there is a social acceptance of soft lies or foolishness which has to be happen to substitute for the phrase. also explains why so many indians lack focus in communication. coz they rarely say what they mean and communication many times serves more to hide than tell. the interesting point being that in certain circumstances the hiding is acceptable to the listener. and one of those circumstances is having to say i don't know in a chom context (male speaker-male listener; male speaker; female listener]"

This may be good for some LLM application; or better still a MA application which can then be stretched to an LLM the next year.

She has been walking around the office with a bored look as if it is my fault that I cannot entertain her enough with my theories of real estate prices, and how India was the best country in the world once. Ofcourse I tried telling her that once and she gave me an answer that made me want to cry to the tune of a patriotic Lata Mangeshkar song. She said with a smirk (thinking she was looking pretty when she just looked retarded and I am cool enough to know R is a bad word) "As if there was an India then".

How can a girl of these values ever hope to attract me? I explained to her obviously I meant the rough boundaries of the civilization. Even in definitions, it's presumed when you define SEBI Act it is "as amended from time to time". She lost the argument and just looked away as if thinking some greatly philosophical thought. There is no way she is fitting into my family. She must look elsewhere.