Strange expectations

Some girl I was flirting with for a month by sending 5-6 smses a day, a few emails and meeting everyday writes to me:
Have you died?
Just because I didn't call her or whatever for like 3 days.
Arre, what the fuck.
Are we in a relationship or what?
Next thing, she will say I should stop flirting with the other girls on my Yahoo list.

Marry

I think a girl wants to marry me.
I have been dating her for a few weeks, and said I love her.
Next time I will say from before I don't want to get married ever, but then I won't get a girl.
That's why I just stay silent. Caveat Emptor and all.
Fuck, what to do now she isn't responding to my smses about hair parlors and all even.

A Line

Today I thought of a good line. Since you all have started reading me as seriously as you read Bangia before tort/contract exam, I will share it with y'all fuckers (saw that US touch-y'all? It's southern US, actually. Saw how cool I am?)
Anyway, so get the topic somehow to beaurty parlors.
Then say, "The beauty parlour needs you more than you need the beauty parlour."
This line itself is equal to 2 dates. So if the girl's mindmap of making out is after x dates, you are +2 closer to x.

Eid

Eid Mubarak.
See how secular I am?

Jealous Girl

Today I was passing by the corridor and staring at the modern art on the wall. Basically some fellow threw paint on paper, and sold it for ten lakh rupees. Why buy all this, I say. Let us throw paint also in the retreat, it will be a team-building thing also, and you will save money. Rest you can distribute as bonus, or condom-allowance (tax-saving, population-saving, anti-AIDS is cool so image-building.)
Anyway why I am talking so much like a girl non-stop.
So I heard one girl say to another, "I think he is special." I stooped to tie my shoelaces like a Roadside Romeo when some girl is going to pass, and the girls could not see me.
Then the same girl said, "Arre special in the way mentally slow kids are you know, special?" And they laughed so shrill, I really thought the glass on the partner doors will break.
So why so jealous girl-lawyer, coz I am getting more fame with bosses? Or becoz you need some object to laugh at- to make yourself forget that you haven't shaved your hairy face for 3 hours?

My Fake News Clip

Unemployment Rates Rising Among Prostitutes New Delhi, October 24 2006 The trend of casual sex in Generation X has led to an increase in unemployment rates among prostitutes.The declining demand is evidenced by a 35 year low brothel occupancy rate. "It's those normal working girls," says Asharfi, VP, Blue Brothel Private (and Confidential) Limited. "Their consentual sex is cutting into our business." Blue Brothel is a wholly-owned subsisiary of Brothels-r-us LLC, New Orleans-based family business. It is paradoxial that after success with intensive lobbying efforts in allowing for foreign development investment in brothels, as well as easing external commercial borrowing norms, the sector has seriously underperformed. "We're still holding the brothel stocks," says Jayen Parekh, an analyst at Morton Staid, "But it's definitely not a bullish scrip." 25 year old Raunak Anand says, "There's no need for us to get stigmatized, and possibly infected." He is smiling, and texting a message to his girfriend. "It's best to play safe, even if there's a risk of remaining a virgin till marriage. It's simply too risky otherwise." Extract -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dress you up in my love

Some sort of overdressing has started in office with guys. They are always talking about where they shop, and one even wears a gold chain though there could be some sort of idol attached to it as a locket I haven't exactly crept my hand inside his chest and seen.
This business attire concept is difficult. It involves accepting that looks matter even for dudes, and then spending money and most importantly talking about it in guy-bonding time. Earlier it was politics, real estate and stock market, sports and women, now you can add sexy men-clothes to the list.

Calcutta Bitches

For the same Marwari's NBFC deal, I am now hanging around in a village called Calcutta. I feel like someone has wrapped me like a mummy in a wet towel, safety pins and all. It's so humid, man. No wonder their brains are squeezed out. And these Calcutta-type girls actually think they are superior coz they have read 100-200 storybooks more than I have. What is with all this kahanee-kissas, all imaginary, written in difficult English and sold as some literature that brands you? What's with the arrogance? So OK I don't know Orwell wrote an essay on how to brew tea, or that Henry James wrote some story called An International Episode about two imaginary American dudes in England-will that deduct my bonus? Or won't Linklaters hire me if I write to them, begging for the Third World department work? Bitches. [ I am sorry to write so negatively. One Calcutta girl just made some rude remark to me when I said Calcutta has slow trams. She said Delhi-types have slow minds. And that Delhi doesn't have footpaths coz we don't have garages so all cars are heaped on the pavements and this should prima facie disqualify Delhi from being called a 'city'. Now I think I should have said why are you fighting, you are so pretty etc but at that time I just felt like slapping her four-five times.]

Banagalore law college girl

There is one girl from that Bangalore law college who sits behind me, and she's always broadcasting all sorts of information, aaj kee taaza khabar kind of thing. She was seen with him in Defence Colony, he is resigning (and the destination is a secret as per current fashion), he broke up actually he dumped her and all.
Always sending smses, talking on phone, Google Talk, leveraging all forms of technology to correct assymetrical information. She has her place in a Kenysian paradigm of a free market that stablisizes demand and supply for if other rival firms don't know your firm's secret bonus, then it is assymetrial information. But then there are these little ambassadors of the free market, these Bangalore law school girls.
So anyway so much intel talk. I just went to her and said "Hello, Happy Dhanteras."
She just looked at me like I was some porn that had emerged from her closet (I don't know you, I never did, what are you doing in my space?) and said, "So?" And shrugged her shoulders as if she was some MTV V-Jay. "Go buy a silver dildo."
Can you imagine? I told her so much for your Bangalore law school and its courses, seminars, workshops, programs, using all words for the same thing, you don't have any class on moral science or what?

Compliment

Today I closed a deal of some Marwari's NBFC, and was in a good mood so I thought I will compliment a girl-lawyer on something, nice purse, nice hair cut. Not an overdose like nice smile.

But then I don't want her to think I am dying in love for her, and this compliment is the tip of a horny iceberg. Or to hedge this risk I could compliment her and then send her a cold and impersonal testimonial on Orkut like [ ] is reliable, a nice person and other things that show that the testifier has no romantic interest.

Gown

I want to get into litigation. I am fair-skinned so that black gown will suit me.
They should let us corporate lawyers wear blak gowns too. I mean, it's just a dress after all. It makes people feel good, it makes others ofthe outside world think you are a real lawyer.

Work

One boy at work looks at me a lot. I smile the first time, second-third time what to do? If I look away I will feel like a fucking Saira Banu, fuckers.
So I called him and told him to research something for me-he's junior to me.
He said OK and returned with good stuff which I will pass off as my own.
But now he has started looking at me even more.
Is this how women feel when they say eve-teased, eve-teased?

Rude application

One more girl wrote.
Actually she wrote on her sister's behalf but this girl was OLDER than this sister she was searching an alliance for, so I am wondering what's wrong.
I thought this girl who wrote isn't married. Could she be divorced? Maybe she has some genetic disease like diabetes or there is some stain in the family which will, by a pass-through mechanism, be there in younger sister also.
Anyway I wrote back, and asked so why have you decided not to get married and all. If I don't do my own DD who will, your father?
So she wrote back saying, "No I'm not married as I have not met the right guy as yet. I wrote to you about my sister because she has lower standards than me so maybe she'll go for you."
I emailed her saying it looks like you have no shame, floating your younger one's photo and details freely to strangers on the Net and then talking about high or low standards. Take care of your moral standards before that.

Orkut

The first girl has written to me, fuckers. Her photo looks decent, a mix of homely and western values (sari, 34B+, and one in a business suit.)
But I can't find her on Orkut so I am beginning to suspect this may be a cheap joke started by some idiots at that coffee station. I don't know if I should reply or not.

Tender Love (Invitation to Offer)

Why not try this and see, I say.

If you are a girl in her 20s, beautiful (beauty lies in the eyes of a community of professional men, like the Bolan test for medican negligence), fair-skinned, slim, educated enough to be presentable but not enough to intimidate, with a smile that could melt a heart and harden a dick depending on the context, a virgin ofcourse (yeah, even a kiss-virgin), a nice decent girl who doesn't mind sharing a home with me and my parents, please respond with 2-3 closeup photos.

No dowry unless ofcourse your father doesn't want to send you emptyhanded on such a big event of your life, given that if you have male siblings they will not take care of him in his old age if they find out you have a good chunk of his will.

High caste (kayastha and above), not manglink (they husbands die early, evil bitches), someone OK with my keeping numerous friends of opposite sex who will call when they need me (that's what friends are for, and I will always be there for them so know this ok)

Please I will prefer don't be from legal profession and even if you are don't be from the Bangalore law school coz those women have too much attitude and too little makeup, and they have all had thirty-thirty boyfriends each. And they think it is fucking feminist to make jokes like karvaachoot for karvachauth. Also, it will make me insecure though it was just a stupid entrance exam and I was 17-18, too busy watching Karishma Kapoor films.

Also, you should hold a job, MUST hold a job. But this is only coz u will have to give it up. I would rather marry a woman who GIVES up a job for me rather than someone who doesn't hold a job, coz that feeling is very good no, that sacrifice. Anyway after 2-3 children any woman from decent family with values will want to take care no.

Please fast for me today in anticipation-better to study for some entrance test you are half-thinking of taking no, be on safe side- it is Karva Chauth.

If you are from south India, please be from that city/caste where Aishwariya or Hema is from, no other.

I have started an anonymous email ID called bshareen@gmail.com. I know it is a girl's name but I am not gay like Sylvie but secretive like James Bond.
Please invite me to Orkut-and to any parties with a cool crowd also.

It Could be Love

I really like a girl.
She calls me everyday. And asks "have you had lunch?" when it is obviosu I would have. And "have you reached?" when it's obvious the auto walla will not kidnap a dude like me.
She even smses me asking about law-related questions and I feel happy though I know she is actually using me to do better in her job.
Still.
There is only one problem: she is not fair-skinned.
What will my mother say if I get her home.
I want this girl to behave like a child's ayah which she does. But cmon fuckers I earn big money, deserve some hotness and have to show my face in the community. She shouldn't LOOK like an ayah.

Writer

Sometimes I want to write Mills and Boons kind of porn. A kind of Karan Joharji movie in verse.
He kissed her lips. They were wet with vodka. She sucked his dick.
No-no.
I have no talent.
Let me stick to law. Maybe I will get fame and satisfaction by helping companies comply with SEBI laws.

Some Girl

Arre some ordinary-looking girl I liked coz I thought she was Bhagyashree in MPK but she turned out to be Seema Aunty in disguise.
So much naatak she did. I won't have dinner if you don't call. This that. Found out she was saying that while fattening herself on pasta in some Bandra restaurant with some guy college friend.
Then she kept calling to say sorry, claimed to miss two more dinners (=two dates?), what not. So I gave her that filmi line
Friendship mein no sorry no thank you
She thought I was trying to be Salman and all so she is sedated now and admits to eating dinners.

Moral/Ratio:
Never go by appearances, and just because someone's ugly and unhot doesn't mean they are simple.
Obiter:
If you believe simplicity exists, you are wrong. Everyone is complex. It's just a function of how much the girl is into you AT THE TIME you actually end up getting hooked. They will cheat eventually.
Ask them for their Gmail password as a first night wedding gift and then see.
And don't look for innocence. Just don't. And don't let the girl know you are else she will do all this Bhagyashree natak for you while being a richbitch Seema Aunty at heart.

Lies

This world is stuffed with lies.
Thank god-this makes it easier for me to fit in.